BASICALLY BRIAN- It's just Brian Basically

2006-09-29T19:30:00.000+01:00

firstly I recommend you all look at the photo of my bathroom on my bebo www.basically-brian.bebo.com

In other news Donal had sex

Crikey!!

2006-09-04T11:22:00.000+01:00

I had planned to return today with the dramatic story of my own brush with death, but then the news which woke me up shocked me into a mini tribute. Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter has been killed by a stringray while diving in the great barrier reef. This is the most upsetting celebrity death since that of Richard Whitely.

Steve Irwin (1962-2006)

2006-08-13T12:59:00.000+01:00

Bye bye I'm going to Barcelona now.

But before I go Some quotes from Donal from last night.

"I'd love to but I don't have a guitar"- To some randomers on the street who never asked him about a guitar.

"Sha la la la la la la la la la la Brown Eyed Girl"- In a pub I had to drag him out of on the way to the bus.

"Sorry about this mate *vomit* Sorry"- To the toilet attendant

"Where are all the polish people?"

Musings on life in general

2006-08-06T17:59:00.000+01:00

A few things have popped into my head lately here they are.

How come you cant get Cadbury's Wispas anymore?

When parents name there children after themselves it always seems to be the son, rarely are daughters named after the mother. Why is that?

I was just watching Sweet 16 on msn, god those girls are annoying.

People should, if they dont already, refer to Brad and Angelina as Brangelina

Anyone know what the storyline of the simpsons movie is going to be?

I dont floss is that strange?

The meeting with John Kelleher

2006-07-27T22:15:00.000+01:00

Well everywhere I go the last week I've been asked one question and one question only, (thats a lie I've been asked plenty of questions one of them being how much is wild salmon? It's 35 euro a kilo I reply, the sign outside says its 20. Yes it is i reply but that is the price per whole fish, and if you read the sign why did you ask me?)

Anyway lots of people have been curious about the meeting with John Kelleher.

After Nics failed to show up Aoife Roberts was drafted in as third placed competition entrant, asa Donal was working who came second.

The cinema is perhaps the coolest ever and resembles an episode of cribs especially with it's giant coach at the front. John was lovely and even offered us tea and coffee on three seperate occasions. After you me and Dupree Aoife was presented with a poster of the film by the MD od UIP Ireland, poor girl Owen Wilson was on it.

As for the film Owen Wilson is involved in a masturbation scene and one with his bar ass on show. For that reason I made representations to John that it should be 18s, John informed me that for my benefit he would consider banning it. It is my sad duty to tell you he didn't ban it, I have just learned that not only is it not banned it is not even 18's, hell it isnt even 16s, but thats ok you say it's probably 15a? No 12a!!! I AM very dissappointed.

And the winner is...

2006-07-20T12:25:00.000+01:00

Well we had alot of entries, well not really alot more like a few, and it amazes how lazy some people were who kept saying they wanted to go but could never pluck up the energy to actually send an email.

But here are some of the entries which were recieved.

Basically brians : for a SLICE of life and a GRATE time
Basically brian: Billy joe has nothing on this basket case
"basically brian - alliteration is fun to do"
"this blog is the sole purpose of my existence"
"read and enjoy, or i'll burn your house down"
"basically brian - spokesman of the people, even blacks and homos"
BASICALLY BRIAN- Investigating all sorts of fishy business
BASICALLY BRIAN- Putting the ish in fish and the f in fun

But as good as all these were the winner was clear to me from the moment it was recieved. Being both beutiful in its brevity and simplicity, and genious in it's joyful capturing of the essence of the site.

The winner was of course, and we knew it would always be NICS with the slogan of that can now and for ever more be viewed at the very top of your screen

BASICALLY BRIAN- It's just Brian Basically

Congratulations Nics, you are now invited to attend the private screening of 'You Me and Dupree' and 'Miami Vice' at the Office of the Irish Film Censor on Harcourt Terrace at 9.00am tomorrow.

You Me And Dupree new competition!

2006-07-13T09:53:00.000+01:00

I tried to return with a bang and a huge competition prize but it was big enough, so I'm cancelling it. In Favour of a bigger prize.

Now not only will the winner attend the IFCO's private screening of 'You Me an Dupree' on Friday July 21st at 9am, but will then be invited to stay on in the offices of the IFCO to watch their private screening of 'Miami Vice'.

Entry Criteria has also changed.

Now all you have to do is come up with a slogan for this site. In 10 words or less you must describe the BASICALLY BRIAN site (not ::JUSTDonal:: which has We deal with the insignificant so you don't have to).

The judging will take place on Wednesday the 19th, and the panel will consist of Myself, Aisling, and Aoife K (although they dont know this yet). And the winner will be promptly informed.

Deadline for entry is now changed to Wednesday the 19th at 5pm, you can email me entries at greenday_basketcase@hotmail.com text me at 0879211841, or bebo me, OR coolest of all and likely to get bonus points put entries on a postcard and send them to BASICALLY BRIAN, Lomond, Thormanby Road, Howth.

Hot Competition

2006-06-30T16:50:00.000+01:00

In association with
Brings you the
'YOU, ME, AND DUPREE'
COMPETITION SPETACULAR

There was no point in my coming back to posting if I didn't have something important to say! So I decided to launch a competition with an amazing prize!!

On Tuesday July 18th you could be the lucky one to join me, Aoife Kinsella, and probably Aisling, on a very exciting trip. We will be attending the Irish Film Censorship Office's screening of the the film 'You, Me, and Dupree' as a guest of friend of the site's Irish Film Censor John Kelleher.

How to Enter

Simply contact me by text (0879211841), email (greenday_basketcase@hotmail.com), or bebo and I will send you a copy of the 'YOU, ME, AND DUPREE' COMPETITION SPETACULAR Quiz. This can be returned to me as you wish and the winner will be announced on the site On July 15th at approximately 10pm.

THE RULES

One entry per person.

All entries must be submitted before midnight on July 14th

The Judges decision is final (thats me)

Feel free to enter even if you dont intend on taking the prize the more people who enter the better my ego feels.

Some of you may be wondering how this all came about allow me to explain...

Around this time last year I got into an arguement with Aoife about Owen Wilson, I know that he is Ugly she thinks that he is hot. For the safety of the nation I took this issue to John Kelleher, in the hope of having his films banned. To read the letter follow this link http://basicallybrian.blogspot.com/2005/07/from-columnist-who-hasnt-spoken-to.html#comments

A few days later a reply which can be read at http://basicallybrian.blogspot.com/2005/08/tribute-to-comedy-styling-of-john.html#comments
in his reply he invited me to the screening of You, me, and Dupree, whenever it should arise.

Nothing more was heard from him for about 10 months until Wednesday when he sent me this e-mail...

Brian,

Well, well, how time flies.

As promised, I write to invite to the lovely Aoife to come and see the hunkof her dreams in 'You, Me and Dupree'.

We have it scheduled for Tuesday 18th July at 10.30 a.m.I imagine you will be unable to face looking at Owen Wilson, but if Aoifecan urge to you relent you too would be most welcome, indeed you can bringthree or four others with you.

Can you please let Niall Munroe know by email (nmunroe@*****) or byphone ? 799****.

C'mon Owen Wilson, ya good thing, ya.

Cheers

John Kelleher
Film Censor

To which I replied in accpetance.

HOW TO ENTER!!!!

Todays predictions

2006-06-10T08:33:00.000+01:00

Yesterday I got off to a bad start with only 50% accuracy BUT Miroslav Klose is top scorer so far:-D

Today I predict wins for England Sweden and Argentina

World Cup

2006-06-09T14:31:00.000+01:00

Well after some intense negotiations I can officially declare that BASICALLY BRIAN is the official blog of the world cup (if anyone knows of a real official one I would be much obliged if they not tell them about me)

Today I thought I'd run you through some betting tips:

But before I do I would like to pledge my support to POLAND!

Brazil are most likely to win the thing but that is reflected in their odds of 5/2 which a crappy and boring.

At 8/1 Argentina have a good chance and this is where the bulk of my money lies.

France are always a strong team but underperformance in the last qualifers and world cup make me reluctant to back them.

Germany haven't got a strong enough squad to see it through, and spain and italy are underperformers in tournaments.

My outside tip is Holland at 14-1 these are very good odds, and an each way bet might be money very well spent.

MY HOT TIP though is German Striker Miroslav Klose to be the top scorer. The odds are 22/1 and this for that player who was the top scorer in the Bundesliga the last two season, and Germany's group contains Poland, Equador, and Costa Rica.

Also nice for a flutter is Spain to get knocked out in the quarter finals all things going according to plan they will be playing Brazil, despite that only having odds of 2/1 i still expect to make money on my bet there.

Henry to be Player of the Tournament at 12/1 is nice also
And for a big stakes bet Ayala or Buffon at 100/1

Final a special for Victoria Beckham to be the most photographed wife of a footballer in a UK red top paper 4/1

Today I predict wins for Germany, and Poland.

Summer Blockbusters

2006-05-31T09:00:00.000+01:00

One key element to the summer is those summer blockbusters so as tomorrow is the first day of june I thought I would preview some of them here now, some of these you will have heard of but others are more obscure and less famous so you should learn something.

The Da Vinci Code

The thriller story attempting to uncover 'the truth' about the holy grail. Despite being too long, having an albino driving when in all likelihood he would be blind or almost blind, and revealing a startling amount of time on the hands of Dan Browne, you know you are going to see it eventually.

The Pied Piper

The story of a poor disadvantaged town, to poor even to pay a pest exterminator. The children of this town are then lured away from their parents by sweet sickly music, and kept locked up. Starring of course- Michael Jackson

The Wind that Shakes the Barely

Winner of this year's Palme D'or at the Cannes Film Festival Cillian Murphy stars in a depication of Ireland through the war of independence, and the brutal nature of the subsequent civil war.

Billy Elliot 2- From little gay to member of Lordi

Staring our very own ::JUSTDonal:: this film depicts one boy attempting to break away from a world of europop and blonde hair to join finish metal band lordi in attempt to get into the eurovision song contest. But will his friend Jon K. (no no no that's far too obvious J. Kileen) hold him back with peer pressure. The films tag line- 'lets dance to pop music, all the COOL kids are doing it'

United 93

The director of Omagh and bloody Sunday depicts the harrowing events of United Airlines Flight 93 on 911 when the passangers took on the hijackers, and seemingly won.

40 Weeks, and 280 nights.

Like 40 days and 40 nights, only starring Viva La Pablo as he acts out his true life culminating in success in France on Friday.

Mission Impossible 3

Starring Tom Cruise the fircken loon who wouldnt let his girlfriend make noise during childbirth. Normally when I wrtie these columns I take out things that are just TOO stupid and TOO unbelieavable but this one is true.

Amargeddon 2: Caitriona's Dilemma

Following the global destruction of the almost all humanity Caitriona is faced with the agonizing dilemma whether or not to sleep with a man she deems a scanger (presumabely cause his credit card is gold not platinum), when he is literally the last man alive.

Hard Candy

A paedophile tries to seduce children, looks nasty.

and Finally...

ah i couldnt think of another one

A Shaggy Dog Story

2006-05-30T20:01:00.000+01:00

Now in the past people who know well me have accused me of exaggerating, overembelishing, pr just downright lying to get sympathy. Whereas I will accept this too a point, citing perhaps the example of my fight to the death with a deadly scorpion in which I know admit there was only ever going to be one winner! In my defense I have never been as bad as Daragh Mc when he got a booboo in school, having to get TWO plasters. However what I am about to tell you is 100% true!

There is a monster trying to kill me, he is about 1 foot tall, has big sharp teeth, thick black fur, and cold dead eyes. In essence he's a dog, but to me he is a monster.

It all began about two weeks ago, I was on my way down the road full of the joys of spring (which is odd because technically it was summer), when I spotted the beast. He seemed angry so I crossed the road, nobody needs a hero afterall. Then he followed me, and jumped at me which seemed like an attempted bite. I shrugged him off but wham he pounced again. This time he got me, I heard the high pitched tear of my formally second most respectable pair of jeans for feeling the momentary pierce of my skin by one of his vicous fangs. And Wham he went again. This time I looked down at him, and he must have seen the thought process rush through my head. I am at least 8 times bigger than you, do that again and I WILL kick you full force in the head. He walked away.

I thought it was over until...

Yesterday when I headed off to work, I was unaware that anyone was watching me. Until I realised that there he was the same dog crouched behind a bush, and wham he pounced at me again. I gave him the look and he knew I'd one this round.

If I am found dead you know who to blame. And dont ever dare tell me dogs are cute, the smell and bite me, if it's cute you want try baby kittens or lambs not dogs!

Reintroduction

2006-05-29T20:12:00.000+01:00

Well I'm back after my exam break, exams really suck, whoever invented them should be shot, brought to hospital, forced to endure months of agonising recovery and then shot again.

It's the summer now, I go back to college on September 11th (which is to remember for obvious reasons... it being chloe's birthday and all (I know that not because im a stalker but because of the real obvious reason.) Anyway back on september 11th and so I have a lot to get through between now and then. Seeing as it's been a while since I posted I figured today I would just remind you all of how this works.

My Name is: Brian, not BASICALLY BRIAN, just Brian, the basically was a clever alliteration and a pun on ::JUSTDonal:: but it stuck and I regret it.

College: Just finished second year ORTS in UCD, Economics and History, NOT History and Economics. Why? I'm a snob and want to emphasise the Economics part cause it's more intellectual.

Occupation: (and this normally has roughly the same line of questions that follow, these have been indicated by italics) I work in a fish shop. Where? Howth (DUH!) Which one Beshoffs (why does it make a difference?) Does it not smell Yes, yes it does (it's fish it smells) Does that not bother you Obviously not, but ask my girlfriend What do you do? Sell fish (again Duh)... And so the questions proceed.

Two things you should know about me before someone else prompts me to tell you (and yes at first I liked the cool stories but now im BORED of them): I was 'degloved'my finger in a fish skinning machine, and I was once questioned by the police in a murder trial.

AND THE MOST IMPORTANT BITS:

The Column: It's BASICALLY (a haha get it ( actually i hate when people notice me using that word and laugh)) musings on life, and me getting irritated by stupid things, or irritating things, or stupid irritating things. As well as reporting on the comings and goings at ::JUSTDonal:: Towers, our 35 story office block in down town howth.

Spelling: I don't care if its wrong so long

Grammer: See Spellings

Features: Letter of the Week, where i write a letter asking a question, or complaing about something, appears most wednesdays.

Drunken Words of Wisdom, self explanatory but here is an example:

''Oh my God she is so ugly, its like looking at a skeleton with hair, I can't look, no wait I have to, no, no, no, I can't'' -Anne-Marie

Well I'll be posting tomorrow with my first REAL post, which will detail the threat posed to my life by a new, real, vicous enemy!

2006-05-06T20:41:00.000+01:00

Before going anywhere some Drunken words of Wisdom of the Week

Donal trying to make puns, while i tried to point out the difference between his extra small nagan and a bottle of spirits.... ''Bottle? Bottle? Bottle I'll be drunk later!''- he then paused for laughter, it came but not for the reason he thought.

''The gays have no self control! They are just rampant eh homosexual, thats right just rampant. They can't get enough of the gay''- The ever present Daragh Mc

Well the summer is approaching fast, I am just 17 short but terrifying days from my holidays, and I can't bloody wait! So to get me in the mood here are my 10 faviourite moments of last summer, in a little piece I've called...

MY 10 faviourite moments of last summer!

10. Finishing my exams last year. It was a short lived celebration myself Eoin and Paul had to schedule so very serious election plans. We managed to do this in the pub, essential to the election campaign you understand. Certainly not a major night, but the relief of being finished was marvellous.

9. Swiming in Shambos pool at sunrise. Ah yes passed all my exams so into town with Seamus, Paul, and PJ, blew ridiculous amount in the casino, spent way too much money. But when at 5am we were swilling Swimming pool with a dash of white wine we realised this was the life.

8. PJ's Schull adventure. Didn't involve me in the slightest, but hearing about it still makes me laugh. (for those of you who dont know it involves a one night stand and VERY bloody jeans)

7. Almost getting a job. Ok Ok I know I didn't get it but for a while I didn't feel like such a bum.

6. The first half of the Champions League final, watching all the liverpool 'fans' go for a smoke and stop watching as they were down 3-0 was great. Amazing how much they loved liverpool at the end of the match though.

5. Aoife Nathan's Parties. Where else would I get Aoife Kinsella to pour frozen peas down her underpants! Not to mention putting Caitriona in a bin!

4. Howth Festival. Don't ask me how, don't ask me why. But I was taken under the wing of the vitorious Fishermans Bar tug of war team as they celebrated.

3.R.E.M. play the sprawling metropolis that is SKERRIES. Lovely place, lovely weather, Moby was great, Mike Mills from R.E.M. nodded at me and R.E.M. were much better than they had been in the point! Lovely day.

2. Caitriona's assertion that 'none of you have worked as me these last few weeks', got a good laugh out of that. I reminded her to look at what happened to my finger, and this coming 4 days after working 10 straight hours with NO break. She didn't listen, we laughed inside.

1. OXEGEN! Kaiser Chiefs, Foo Fighters, Jimmy Eat World and on and on AND GREENDAY. Do we all how I bought my way into the pit and almost played on stage with them! Sigh almost!!

May Day Week Post of the Week

2006-05-03T20:34:00.000+01:00

Well Monday was May Day, you know the day where us the workers of the world unite a stop work to celebrate the glories of our marxian utopia blah blah. So to celebrate this I give you my May Day Post of the Week,

(please note that I'm not a hardcore fascist, I just hate the ignorance that leads to communism being a fashion accessory)

BASICALLY BRIAN's May Day Word of the Week

'Collectivisation'- The Policy which is essential to true communism/socialism of pooling all farming resources, products, and workers. As practised in Russia in the 1920's where Males were sent to live in labour camps to farm and the woman forced to work in textile factories.

Progress- Achieving Collectivisation.

BASICALLY BRIAN's Question Of the Week

What have Stalin, and Mao got in common. And sure while I'm at it I'll answer it for you

BASICALLY BRIAN's May Day Answer of the Week

They have both killed more people than Hitler.

BASICALLY BRIAN's May DayHistorical Tit-Bit of the Week

Communist leader of Cambodia Pol Pot, trained by Chairman Mao, systematicaly murdered every single 'smart' person in the entire country. This included any Doctor, Nurse, teacher, anyone with a university degree, and anyone who wore glasses.

BASICALLY Brian's May Day Random Fact of the Week

When you add up the number of people killed the three most notorious Communist leaders, Lenin, Stalin, and Mao, the is 15 times the current population of Ireland

BASICALLY BRIAN's May Day Quote of the Week

"hatred is an element of struggle; it is unbending hatred for the enemy, which pushes a human being beyond his natural limitations, making him into an effective, violent, selective, and cold-blooded killing machine."- Socialist Hero Che Guevara

The Metro Plot Thickens Once More

2006-04-22T20:52:00.000+01:00

gJust to fill everyone in on my battle against Metro the free Newspaper. Two weeks ago the guy refused to give me a paper, but gave one to Aisling, his excuse was 'I can't my manager is here.' I wrote a strongly worded letter but never sent it.

Then I found out that the Metro people are instructed not to give out the papers to under 18s. I wrote another strongly worded letter but never sent it.

Yesterday we saw the afore mentioned Metro supervisor, and then not only did the Metro guy refuse us he in fact hid from us. Pretending to root through his bag, while the lovely Hearld AM woman wished us a good weekend. WELL previously I got the impression that Aisling thought that perhaps I was overdoing my anger at the Metro guy, but not this time, she had felt the pain, hurt, rejection, and embitterment of being rejected by the Metro woman. I joked to her that we should complain to his supervisor who was about 30 ahead of us on the platform. Before I knew it Aisling had taken off spurred on my words of encouragment like 'yeah you go girl' and 'you'll show them who's under 18', and not what she might report words of caution like 'No no don't'' or ''we'll get him in trouble''

The metro supervisor LOOKED Irish, not that I have a problem with foriegn workers, it's just in times like this you want good english. It didn't take long for our hearts to sink. Here is how the conversation went.

Aisling: Excuse me, do you have to be 18 to get a metro?
Metro supervisor: You want to work for metro [this is where our hearts sank]
Aisling: No I want the guy to give us a Metro, we're 20 and he won't.
Me: (I cowered in a shy little ball in the corner)
Metro: I have no Metro's
Aisling: I know I want him to give us one but he won't
Metro: Maybe you are not 18
Aisling: WE'RE 20
Metro: Maybe he thinks you are under 18 like 18 or 17 ( I wanted to point out at this stage that 18 is not under 18) what age are you?
Aisling: 20!!!!
Metro: Ok I'll tell him
[she then proceeded to walk the opposite direction from him]

Stupid Metro!!!!! Another posted bitchy letter to come very soon

2006-04-15T12:20:00.000+01:00

BASICALLY BRIAN's Word of the Week

Blabagogy: Criminal Enviornment

BASICALLY BRIAN's Question of the Week

How do they get the widget into the glass draught bottles of guinness?

BAISCALLY BRIAN's Historical Tit-Bit of the Week

Following the Sedition Act of 1917 in America it became illegal to in any way NOT support the American War effort. This mean that Frankfurter Hotdogs were legally renamed Libert Dogs, Hamburgers became liberty burgers, Sourkrout liberty cabbage, and even German Meseales was renamed liberty Measels.

BASICALLY BRIAN's News Story of the Week

Roz is now a 'Lady'!

Life without ::JUSTDonal::

2006-04-11T20:31:00.000+01:00

Well in recent months, and weeks, our esteemed editor has been off jetsetting around the world, hitting all the hotspots; London, New York, Stockholm, Strabane! Things have been different here without him, and ::JUSTDonal:: Towers (our 37 story office block in down town Howth) Just hasn't been the same without him.

Viva La Pablo, has been rarely seen in the building, you may have noticed the distinct lack of columns. This is to not to say he isnt IN the building, he is in fact holding a candle lit vigel for Donal's safe return in his office.

Strictly Jonathan, has amoung other things been spending countless hours on the dancemat. After hours of studying him he appears to muttering something which sounds like "I'll show him who is an up and coming pop star"

Il Signe our newest columnist has discreetly moved his things into Donal's office on floor 29. We are not expecting Donal to be happy when he realises his floral tribute to Kylie has been replaced by a GUITAR, and his swedish pop cd collection has been donated to a local frisbee team.

Nics, our resident stalker, has been missing completely. All we have from her are postcards from such exotic places as New York, London, Stolckholm, Strabane!

And as for me, well I have changed the sign on the door of my office, so it now reads 'Associate Cheif Editor,' I have another sign still in it's wrapper mind you but it reads, ''Chief Editor,'' And big one on the way, very big, which reads BASICALLY BRIAN TOWERS, Cause I'm talking this site down from the inside!

Metro Take 2

2006-04-07T09:13:00.000+01:00

Well since Wednesday I have discovered a plausible explanation as to why I was not given my metro, HOWEVER this does not make it ok in fact it makes it ALOT WORSE. It would seem that Metro have a policy of not giving papers to people under-18! This is more insulting certainly than being ID'ed at a pub, or even a cinema, and so I have decided to re-write my original letter, to make it harsher, with one key difference I'm naming names, I'm rattling cages, I'm going to bring down that sullen sulky faced wannabe bouncer Metro Man, and when I'm finished with him he won't know what hit him.... literally because I'm sure he won't know about it.

Dear Metro,

Over the past 6 months or so I have enjoyed my daily free issue of your Metro paper. I have often remarked on how friendly your team of distributors have tended to be throughout this period.

This wednesday as I went to Howth Train station however, and went to claim my Metro off the current distributor, a sullen faced man, who does seem to possess the same charm or enthusiasm as previous people, I was refused a copy. The explanation given to me was ''I can't my manager is here'', as I was running for a train I didn't question this but as I am sure you can imagine I was quite confused as to why for the first time he wouldn't give me a paper.

Yesterday I discovered that in Metro you have a policy of only distributing your paper to over 18 year olds, which frankly is bizarre. Even given this fact I am still quite annoyed, seeing as I am in fact 20 and so have been over 18 for the past 2 years. In fact I would wager I am older than our little Metro hogging Metro man from Howth Train station. As I am rarely IDed going into pubs, and practically never in Cinemas or Video Rental store, and I would imagine the same would apply for the purchasing of cigarettes or pornography, I refuse to show ID to your Metro man. So as of this morning I will only read Herald AM as they don't seem to have a problem issuing me a copy.

Yours Metroless

Brian Harrison

BASICALLY BRIAN -V- Metro

2006-04-05T14:14:00.000+01:00

Every day on my way to college I pick my free copy of Metro and Herald AM until today. I got off the bus as usual and went to the metro man. There was something odd about the way he tentatively handed Aisling her Metro, and then he was ready to hand one to me before instead giving one to Tony my old football couch, and then giving him a second one. AND THEN! He turned back to me and said 'I can't my manager is here' WHAT! I want my feckin METRO! I don't know why I couldn't have my Metro, but I'm damn well going to find out...

BASICALLY BRIAN's Letter of the Week

Dear Metro Guy

Over the past few months I have enjoyed my daily reading of your free paper as I make my merry way to College. Today however I was deprived of this pleasure by your Metro Guy at my train station ( I don't want to say which one cause although I hope that the Metro Guy gets a rather itchy rash for a day or two I don't want him to lose his job.) Just after giving away two Metros to Tony my old football coach who doesnt recognise me at all, he turned to me (and by the way he had skipped me to give Tony a Metro) he turned back to me and said ''Sorry I can't my manager is here''. One simple question what the hell does that mean?

This has left me cranky and confused all day, and is even worse that the woman in 911 today telling me she had no cheese and moments later feeling up the cheese container with about 2 kilos of cheese which she took from a large cardboard box of cheese bags.

I demand an explanation.

Yours Metroless

Brian Harrison

Oops I did it again!

2006-04-01T16:54:00.001+01:00

Well there I was minding my own business aronud 2 o'clock when work called me and begged me to do just 4 hours cause they were really stuck. Having nothing better to do I thought to myself What's the worst that could happen.

You will remember no doubt what happened on December 28th 04 when similar thoughts entered my head as I was working away on the fish skinning machine.

Since that day I have not used the machine, and have always refused to do so. I'm not stupid. But today I was using a Fish 'Descaling machine' and the fish I was descaling slipped I went to grab it and infact grab the machine. Luckily I was wearing plastic gloves, howeverthe palm of my right hand as well as all the fingers still look more like A strawberry crumble then a hand, with hundreds of small but deep gashes, and scraps.

I'm remaining philosophical sure I'm going to need to keep my hand dry and bandaged for 3 months, but I avoided having to go to hospital this time, and sure I can't write with college exams just a month away, but I will have lots more gruesome photos to show you.

And my thanks to my sister anna for typing this (hi guys!!!)

Oops I did it again!

2006-04-01T16:54:00.000+01:00

Well there I was minding my own business aronud 2 o'clock when work called me and begged me to do just 4 hours cause they were really stuck. Having nothing better to do I thought to myself What's the worst that could happen.

You will remember no doubt what happened on December 28th 04 when similar thoughts entered my head as I was working away on the fish skinning machine.

Since that day I have not used the machine, and have always refused to do so. I'm not stupid. But today I was using a Fish 'Descaling machine' and the fish I was descaling slipped I went to grab it and infact grab the machine. Luckily I was wearing plastic gloves, howeverthe palm of my right hand as well as all the fingers still look more like A strawberry crumble then a hand.

I'm remaining philosophical sure I'm going to need to keep my hand dry and bandaged for 3 months, but I avoided having to go to hospital this time, and sure I can't write with college exams just a month away, but I will have lots more gruesome photos to show you.

And my thanks to my sister anna for typing this (hi guys!!!)

30 Goals to achieve by 30

2006-03-28T20:20:00.000+01:00

Addiction to tetris and scrubs, and a negative association I have made between my computer and study have meant that I haven’t posted perhaps as often as I once did. I will now endeavour to redress the situation.

Also in the past you may have noticed the odd spelling or grammar mistake here and there, well that was teenaged-Brian and I am frankly sick of people thinking I don’t know I’m doing this, when all it was, was laziness on my behalf, so now I’m going to read over posts before I publish them.

I recently turned twenty; therefore once the next decade of my life has passed I will be 30. And following an episode of Scrubs in which J.D. turned 30 and revealed the list he’d written when he was in college of goals to have achieved by 30 here are my goals to have achieved by 30 in a little piece I’m calling

30 Goals to have achieved by 30.

1Be married
2Have run a marathon
3Enjoy my job
4Have eaten a Big Mac (never done it)
5Own a house
6Not good for my health, but drink a pint at every bar in Howth in the one day
7Learned to speak Japanese
8Had some official orange manufacturer acknowledge that they are icky
9At least be on the way to having kids
10Own a fourth pair of shoes
11Been to China
12Eat a foot long hotdog
13Have got round to getting a Garda ID
14Have had at lease one more haircut
15Written and starred in my own sitcom
16Got paid by Donal for writing on this site
17Continued to resist the lure of social golf playing
18Own a Man United Season ticket
19Have met Green Day and or R.E.M.
20Won an Oscar
21Learned to play the banjo
22Bought but failed to learn the trumpet
23Climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro
24Gone to confession and confessed to a murder I didn’t commit
25Be in the Guinness book of records
26Have my opinion on something be valuable enough for a cabinet minister to ask my advice
27Won the Nobel peace prize
28Managed a premiership football team
29Been to the World Cup
30Have come up with more meaningful goals for my 40th

IL SIGNE

2006-03-23T20:39:00.000Z

Check out our newest columnist - IL SIGNE, for now can be found by clicking the IL SIGNE link at the top news ticker like thingymabob. Or simply go to www.ilsigne.blogspot.com

Brian

BASICALLY- AT WAR

2006-03-22T17:05:00.000Z

Before I start, I would like to respectfuly decline entering into Strictly Jonathan's Kant Rant competition, on the grounds that as a ::JUSTDonal:: columnist it would create an unfair conflict of interest, but for the record I'm confident I would have won given my history of Bitchy letter writing.

Now on the matter at hand; It is often said that the last time a declaration of war was made was by Neville Chamberlain when Britain entered World War II (any smart ass who tries to point out how Britain didnt enter world war II but infact started it by this declaration will be chastised for not knowing the war started in 1933) anyway today I declare a full war with Wikipedia!

Here is the declaration which I have just sent to them (but before reading it have a look at the nasty things they said about me, compared to the nice things I said about myself at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Articles_for_deletion/BASICALLY_BRIAN and while your at it check out whats being said about the site in general at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Articles_for_deletion/Just_Donal)

Dear Wikipedia

For long enough now have I stood idley by and watched, while you, a bunch of single 40 year old virgin nerds have condemned me, as a such cruel and calous things as 'non-notable' or 'embarrisingly vain', on your deletion log at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Articles_for_deletion/BASICALLY_BRIAN it is with my regrets that I am forced to give you this DECLARATION OF WAR.

Until Wikipedia publicly apologises for these gross insults I will not rest in my daily vandalism of sites, and clever construction of completely false political, and other public figures interwoven into complex historical events which you will never spot. Where does my confidence that you won't spot these come from, because you are clearly such boring people if you spend your lives filtering through web articles that dont meet you precious criteria, you are probably losers who work part time in the local computer game shop own a significant large number of wife beaters, which your mommy washes for you because you still live with her despite being, as i already asserted 40 years old.

I am not as you so confidently suggested 'embarrasingly vain' I do what I do for the comedy value, but I wouldnt expect you to get it as it in know way relates to a star trek deep space 9. If your web space is so unbelievably valueable that you cant spare a couple of kilabytes then i suggest you get more money.

And another thing relating to your just donal deletion log, I resent the accusation that I plagarised myself, in fact I consider this liblous and request an immediate public apology again.

I have already begun my war of filling your site with untrue crap, and you wont be able to figure out where, I'll fix it all with a simple apology.

Yours Sincerly

BASICALLY BRIAN

and look hehe im not the only one at war http://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Wikimedia_site_feedback

BASICALLY- The Apeal

2006-03-20T17:22:00.000Z

Ok so due to popular demand to release my much loved Autobiography 'The Life Of Brian', I decided to commission an abridged version for Wikipedia. A site which has previously hosted info on Just Donal (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Just_Donal) for several months. Unfortunately I brought it some unwanted attention and that article has been deleted because of a possible copyright violation, the irionic thing is I wrote both the articles in question so I can't plagarise myself.

What I need, and this is SOOOO against Wikipedia rules for me do this is for you all to go to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BASICALLY_BRIAN and click on 'this articles entry' and then edit that page to leave a positive comment about why it shouldn't be deleted. I've done so already see if you can spot my ones? There are some there which declare me embarrasingly vain, and while thats nice of them, I dont think it will be enough to get my article not to be deleted.

James Blunt facts

2006-03-19T13:20:00.000Z

Most of you have probably seen this on Bebo but Brian Gleeson sent it to me and i giggled so I thoughtI might share it with you.

1. James Blunt got bullied at school because his name rhymes with c*nt, and he is one.

2. James Blunt got caught masturbating in a cheese shop listening to The Jackson Five

3. James Blunt often goes by his anagram name of 'jam sunbelt' and runs his own S&M dungon were he covers his Slaves in jam and beats them with flaming belts

4:James Blunt holds the world record for most live kittens inserted into the anus

5: James Blunt was the world's first anal birth.

6. James Blunt was fathered by a cauliflower

7. James Blunt came up with the original concept art for Bodger and Badger

8. James Blunt's bedroom is plastered with posters of Dot from Eastenders.

9Like a common housefly, James Blunt regurgitates acid onto his food before eating

10. James Blunt is actually 2 midgets

11. His greatest fear is a football playing lizard crawling up his leg with a rolled up copy of the autotrader clenched in it's teeth..Most Doctors told him this was a irrational fear to which Blunt replied "Whoa ho yeah heah" in the key of C minor

12. James Blunt has been spotted holding hands with He-Man, but he claims they are just "really good friends".

13. James Blunts favourite film is 'Bambi' just beating 'Gay Orgy In Pool 4 - The Return Of Mr. Rimmer'

14.James Blunt can fit his foot into a tube of Pringles

15. Blunt uses wireless technology built into his eyes to make breakfast

16.James Blunt only wears clothing made by slave labour, saying "You can almost smell their tears"

17.James Blunt loves the smell of old people in the morning

18.In his High School Yearbook James Blunt was voted 'Most Likely to Recieve a Golden Shower.

19.In the song "You're beautiful", James Blunt is actually singing to a female walrus he met on a camping holiday in the Algarve. It was a brief encounter. The Walrus simply snorted in his general direction and then turned and loped off towards the sea. James Blunt has never been the same since.

20. Some say james Blunt has the voice of an angel and the body of an adonis, others say he's sh*t.

BASICALLY BRIAN-The Teenaged Years

2006-03-16T09:15:00.000Z

Ok well today is my birthday and I had planned a lovely little piece reminiscing on my teens but I dont have the time, places to go people to see you understand. Just remind you all

STREAM TONIGHT!

And wish my fella birthday sharers a happy birthday! they aren't very interesting people though:

Jerry Lewis

Emperor Ninko of Japan (1800)

Napolean III

Reza Pahlavi (I wrote an essay which mentions him if you care to read it let me know)

Jimmy Nail

Theo Walcottt (who turns 17 and today signs a proffessional contract with arseneal and is now more successful than i will ever be)

And actor Bernardo Bertolucci

who bears a striking resembalance to...

Albert Reynolds (the guy before the guy before bertie)

My Last day as a Teenager

2006-03-15T20:38:00.000Z

Well after just seven short years my days as a teenager are numbered. Join me tomorrow as I look a back at the key moments of my teens, but today I am going to describe what I have done on this my last day as a teenager.

MY LAST DAY AS A TEENAGER

05.30 Went to bed after a night of heavy drinking in which I mixed my drinks, in fact non of my 25 drinks were the same.

13.00 Arose (late as you'll notice) and skipped breakfast

13.10 Disputed the lack of breakfast with my parents, but it's their fault they don't understand me

13.11 Following the dispute I ran up the stairs and turned on very loud music, Green Day of course. My Parents tried to turn it down but the door was locked.

14.17 My Parents find a key and check on my, I have left via the window, they don't know where I am.

14.17 As my parents get in the door I have arrived at my destination which is in fact the local drug merchant (I'm sorry if im not down on the lingo man!)

18.00 Become once again aware that I exist following that wild hit i was givin by the drug merchant man in the drug market dude!

18.15 Ate some greasy fast food

18.30 walked around the central bank wearing all black as if the entire world its self was a concotion to get me down.

19.04 Had unprotected sex with a girl I hardly know, the only thing I do know about her is her 'past'

20.56 Started out on another night of heavy drinking

And the best thing about this day was I didnt feel guilty about it

(please note non of these things actually happened, I spent the day at home studying stats)

The Big Two Oh coming up!

2006-03-14T21:55:00.000Z

So in just 2 short days I hit the big Two Oh. A big milestone and from now on somethings are going to change.

New Favourite Song: My Favourite song is 'Teenaged Kicks'- by the Undertones. But when im not a teenager that cant be my favourite song really can it. Any suggestions?

Hair starts to go grey- and anyone who points out that it started five years ago will not be appreciated

I have to decide what I want to be when I grow up: AHHHH

And lots more things that I cant remember Right now

MY BIRTHDAY THIS THURSDAY IN THE STREAM

On an entirely seperate matter, Doug left a comment on friday how you doing Doug? You on Bebo? You should pop out to howth some night!

I discovered I'm a genious three time in a row I have opened the phone book looking for 1) Classic Cabs 2) The Conrad hotel 3) the ESB and all three time opened it on the exact page!!! Crazy!!!

My Birthday

Thursday

Doug quotes

2006-03-10T12:59:00.000Z

Everyone likes one line quotes, you go on to any website of comedians or t.v. shows and it will give you quoteables so here is a new sections dedicated to quotes. Today I will quote endlessly the ridiculous things Doug Switzer has said in a piece I'm calling...

Doug Switzer Quotes

1. Damo! Damo! Ah Pass the ball with the big gammon legs on you- to Damo, I don't know what he meant either

2. [after finally relenting and getting glasses] I can see, look there is trees out the window, the sea, the sky. It's all so beautiful. But everyone is so fucking ugly!

3. MMM Danone- One Random Irish class

4. Mr O'Fiach Declan has his scrotum out- another Random Irish class, upon checking the accuracy of the statement Mr O'Fiach responded, 'put it away declan'

5. I want to feel my big cock inside you- To aoife r.

6. This is a bottle. This is an ass, what shall happen? Only alas we will find out!-right before shoving a coke bottle up decs...eh never mind

7. Ah thats a very Naive pass!- Football aggression sutton park style

8. I can kill a cow- A simple statement of fact to Ms Henderson

9. Theres an awful pong of me fanny

10. You must be entrepeneurial with your shooting- Football management sutton park style

11. Do you have a fork- to me in english class, upon recieving the answer of no then proceeded to use his fingers to eat his can of tuna

Right now i cant think of any more even though I KNOW they exist
but I will add more and please leave some in the comment box

Letter of the Week Sky News AGAIN!

2006-03-07T11:35:00.000Z

Right well they have really done it now! A second letter! And one I'll actually post this time.

Dear Sky News,

Firstly you will also find enclosed a copy of a letter I wrote earlier this month, but following a reply to a similarly phrased e-mail I didn't post the letter. It was a hotly debated issue but I still say Martin O'Neil is Irish and not British, and I really doubt you would refer to Gerry Adams as British. Anyway on to the matter at hand.

Yesteray morning your news report on the Oscars was reviewing the 'British' performance on the night, desciribing the dissapointment for Judi Dench and Kiera Knightly, and joy for Rachael Weisz (and by the way I was amazed cause the constant gardener was a terrible film, no structure to the plot, and so self rightoeous in it's politics that it made me gag.) The report finished up by saying "And there was success too for British Film 'Six Shooter' which won the award for best live action short," this made me quite quite angry.

In a very similar way to the way that Martin O'Neil is not British, the film 'six shooter' is also not British. Here is a list of reasons why its not British:

1) It was made in Ireland not Britain
2) The star Brendan Gleeson is Irish not British (He lives in Malahide and has a dog called Dipper, a son called Fergus, and a really cool cd player that opens automatically when you put your hand up to it)
3) The other star Rúaidhrí Conroy is also irish
4)In fact the whole cast is Irish
5) Now I do admit that the writer/director Martin McDonagh was born in England BUT to Irish Parents, and he even referred in his speech to 'home in Ireland'
6) And this one here is the crucial factor, the project was funded by The IRISH Film Council.

To summarise again you have Irish Money making a film with and Irish cast in Ireland, and that is somehow construed as British? That's wierd!

It is really quite irritating when you make mistakes like so please try to refrain from them, otherwise I'll have to send you another other letter.

Your Patriotically AGAIN

Brian Harrison

Oscar Night

2006-03-05T22:56:00.000Z

Tonight is Oscar night. Here are my predictions, and I normally do pretty well so go put money on it.

(I have now edited this so predictions i got right are green, and films i wanted to win are blue, and where neither won I put it after in red)

Performance by an actor in a leading role
Will Win: Philip Seymour Hoffman (capote)
I want to win: Joaquin Phoenix(walk the line)

Performance by an actor in a supporting role
Will Win: Paul Giamatti (cinderella man)
I want to Win: Matt Dillon (Crash)
George Clooney Syriana

Performance by an actress in a leading role
Will win: Reese Witherspoon (walk the line)
I want to win: Scarlett Johanson (Match Point but shes not nominated)

Performance by an actress in a supporting role
Will win: Rachel Weisz (The constant gardener)
I want to win: Anyone but Rachel Weisz

Best animated feature film of the year
Will Win:"Wallace & Gromit in the Curse of the Were-Rabbit"
I want to win: "Tim Burton's Corpse Bride"

Achievement in art direction
Will win: "Good Night, and Good Luck."
I want to win: "Memoirs of a Geisha"

Achievement in cinematography
Will Win: Brokeback Mountain
I want to win: "Batman Begins"
Memoirs of a Geisha

Achievement in costume design
Will Win: "Memoirs of a Geisha"
I want to win:Memoirs of a Geisha"

Achievement in directing
Will Win: Ang Lee (Brokeback)
I want to win: Paul Haggis (crash)

Best documentary feature
Will Win: March of the Peguins
I want to win: March of the Peguins

Best documentary short subject
Will win:"God Sleeps in Rwanda"
I want to Win: "The Death of Kevin Carter: Casualty of the Bang Bang Club"
A NOTE OF TRIUMPH: THE GOLDEN AGE OF NORMAN CORWIN

Achievement in film editing
Will win:Crash
I want to win: Crash

Best foreign language film of the year
Will Win: Tsotsi
I want to win: Tsotsi

Achievement in makeup
will win "Star Wars: Episode III Revenge of the Sith"
I want to win ""Star Wars: Episode III Revenge of the Sith"
The Chronicles of Narnia

Achievement in music written for motion pictures (Original score)
Will win "Brokeback Mountain"
I want to win ""Memoirs of a Geisha"

Achievement in music written for motion pictures (Original song)
Will win:Travelin' Thru" from Music and Lyric by Dolly Parton "Transamerica"
I want to win: Travelin' Thru" from Music and Lyric by Dolly Parton "Transamerica"
IT'S HARD OUT HERE FOR A PIMP" FROM HUSTLE & FLOW

Best motion picture of the year
Will win: Brokeback Mountain
I want to win: Crash

Best animated short film
Will Win:"The Mysterious Geographic Explorations Anthony Lucas
of Jasper Morello"
I want: I just dont care
THE MOON AND THE SON: AN IMAGINED CONVERSATION

Best live action short film
Will win:"Our Time Is Up"
I want to win "Six shooter"

Achievement in sound editing
Will win: King Kong
I want: King Kong

Achievement in sound mixing
will win"King Kong"
I want...what the hell is sound mixing

Achievement in visual effects
Will win WAr of the worlds
I want War of the worlds
King Kong

Adapted screenplay
Will win: Brokeback
I want: Capote

Original screenplay
Will win: Crash
I want: Both Crash and Match Point where fabulous

50,000

2006-03-04T12:15:00.000Z

At some stage yesterday, perhaps it was exactly 21.20.33 somebody logged on to the site, nothing unusual, but for the fact that it was our 50,000th hit. Ever since that the congratulations have been flooding in from people all over the world, celebrities and friends alike.

Here are just a sample of just a few of the many thousands:-S

Caitriona- Hey guys well done, I know it's been tough for you to keep coming up with new material, but don't worry I'm sure I'll get mucky soon

George W. Bush- I can use the big boy potty

Viva La Pablo- I am pleased to have reached this milestone. PS this counts as a post so I'll see you in April.

Hugh Grant- Jolly good show Brian, if you had a euro for every hit, you could afford a really top notch hooker.

Jonathan- counld not be reached as he is in budapest on one of hte biggest days in the sites history WELL thats says alot doesnt it.

Michael Jackson- Congratulations guys, especially you Donal you're looking great. Tell the band I say hello.

Eoin- It would be 51000 if i had my bloody column.

Former Mister Universe and current Govenor of California Arnold Schwarzenegger- Dis Eik un Bucken nicken Vaich!!!

Donal-50000 thats great, FOR ME! HEy all of you read by bands website, go to our my space, and for gods sake buy our cd.

John Kelleher- I give this website the certification of a thumbs up!

Nics- I'm really glad for you guys, nice to see that someone else finally visited after i hit you all those 49,999 times.

And from me. YAY! But I want advertising revenues

Me and my fiery temper.

2006-02-25T16:08:00.000Z

I have a propensity to once every two years or so lose my temper at a complete random stranger. I did that yesterday.

I got off college at about 2.40 and arrived at the busstop at 2.45. Ordinarily 3 minutes would be a long wait for the bus so I was already mightily peeved when i waited for TWENTY minutes. Then it was one of those buses where it has to stop at every light and every stop. This was getting very very annoying as I HAD to be on the 1530 31. So when some woman got on, and KNEW what the price of the fair was, and still didn't have her change ready I felt myself cracking. I continued to teeter as she routed through her bag to find her purse, she then routed through her purse and i teetered some more. Then as she shovelled through her purse triny to find yet another 5 cent coin, bringing her grand total to a mere twenty cents (and I must point out at this time the bus wasn't moving) she offered the driver a laugh. A sort oh haha I cant find my change laugh. Thats what did it CRACK. I stood up walked to the top of the bus put a 2 euro coin in the thing. And said "There, and next time have your change ready you are delaying everyone"... and I sat back down.

Bitchy letter to a charity oh dear Im evil!

2006-02-22T14:13:00.000Z

I cannot believe I have to write a bitchy letter to a charity, but I think once you read this you will all agree that I did it for the right reasons. But before I do... The next fucker who criticises my grammer will have there own every move monitored by me, and I will comment on every little thing you do wrong, unless by some chance you happen to be either my boss or my lecturer.

Dear Concern,

I am deeply concerned by a certain aspect of your charity. I know it may make me look like a bad person to write a bitchy letter to a charity, but I really amn't. I have never murdered a puppy, I don't make sarcastic comments during emergency appeal that often, and I have never stolen money from the Church collection basket. Nevertheless I felt the weight of my concern was so strong that I must pass on my concerns to you, the people of concern.

Back in the old days, while walking around the merry streets of Dublin, you would expect the usual barrage of Hanly Centre muppets, a drunk with a sob story, and perhaps a fireman doing some sort ladder climbing charity event. In the past year or so I have been concerned to notice the amount of concern representatives on the streets. They jump at you from behind trees, sneak up behind you, or sometime drop out helicopters at you (that's a lie they don't.) They then attempt to stop you for just a few minutes, to get your bank details, so that you agree to set up a standing order to give concern money.

You have no idea how concerning it is to walk down the one street as happened to me yesterday and be stopped by 4 of your drones. I am also concerned by the manner in which they do it. They attempt to flirt the money from you, and this sir is prostitution in my books.

I know many other are conerned by this, INCREDIBLY irritatin technique, and as a result of this I will reserve my charity donations for other charities in the future, unless you are running a table quiz I'm a sucker for those!

Yours Concerned

Brian Harrison

2006-02-21T10:15:00.000Z

Before reading this those of you who missed my very excinting reply to my letter to Sky News may like to scroll down.

Anybody wishing to sit my stats test can go right ahead, and yes I should study for it, but NO I'm not going to!

I've been doing this for quite some time now, and the benefit of that is it becomes possible for me to stick on an old rerun and nobody will notice...

The A-Z of BASICALLY BRIAN

A is for... Apple, assanine (if ever insulted with that word just call them ass ten (I shamlessly stole that joke from Conan O Brien)

B is for... Ball, BASICALLY BRIAN, Bollox my favourite curse word

C is for... Conan O'Brien the funniest guy on the planet, Christmas the best day of the year save November 9th the anniversary of Caitriona scoring Doug, and cool a word often used to describe me.

D is for... Dreams, I have wierd scary dreams. DAncing my lest favourtie thing in the world, and Deila Smith the best tv chef we have and Europes answer to MArtha Stewart.

E is for... Eoin my friend since i was 3, Extra my favourite chewing gum. E which is a drug I don't use.

F is for... Friends ( I love you guys), Finger of which only 7 of mine arent wierd, and Fabrage eggs which I'm addicted to.

G is for... Gold the colour of a dead dog of mine, Graheme a name i hate, and GREEN DAY the best band in the history of the world ever with out any possible doubt what so ever! (those of you concerned by my Green Day addiction I'm exaggerating... slightly)

H is for... Harrison my surname, Hold Em the type of poker I play, and Hugs which we should get 7 of every day.

I is for... Ireland the best country there is despite Ireland bashers like Ali, Impitigo an STD I don't have but Fergus did, Interesting which is what I am.

J is for... ::JUSTDonal:: worlds greatest website and Well fuck all really

L is for... Liam the man who used to live next to me, Linda my old maths grind who have a rumbly tummy, and Lisa Di Troia who's surname means the prostitute.

M is for... Me a name I call myself, MAnchester United, and Meat the nicest of all foods

N is for... Nothing (only kidding hahahaha), Nitrogeon a gas all around me, Name sakes of which I have 137 in the Uk.

O is for... Orange the most disgusting food there is, Orange juice the most disgusting juice there is and Orange chocalate the most disgusting there is.

P is for... Paul who I have also known since I was three, pin strips something I wouldnt wear, and Pancreas of which I a perfect one.

Q is for... Question of the week, and nothing else as it is a rare enough letter

R is for... R.E.M. another great band, RAncid an ok Punk band, Riddles a thing I hate.

S is for... Sleep which I hate, Sudoku my new pastime, and Stephen Hawking who I saw once.

T is for... Treble what Man Utd did in 1999, Tiddly winks which I dont know who to play, and twister which would be great fun naked.

U is for... U which is what u call me, the undertones who sing my favourite song Teenaged Kicks, Ulster the province due north of me.

V is for... Aoife Kinsella who should shut up and stop bothering me now, Vintage the type of bass I have, and vicky a crachter in FAirly Odd PArents

W is for... William my middle name, and nothing else immediately apparent.

X is for Xeilophone (which if its the correctspelling i will reward myself with a star wars x wing lego figure).

Y is for... Yucky which is what oranges are, Yvonne just becasue it shouldn't start with y, and y a question we should ask ourselves daily.

Z is for... Zebra, zoo, and several other words not realating to me.

The Letter of the Week revisited

2006-02-20T20:38:00.000Z

Well there has been much discussion over the last letter of the week, what better to draw it to a close than with a reply?

But before that I would like to point out and once again stress that if you are from the island of Ireland, and wish to be considered Irish (As per Martin O'Neil (OBE which is ironic but anyway)) then you are Irish. If your passport says otherwise get a new passport, (you can you know) And Aoife Roberts don't criticise my grammer, it got a certain ex in alot of trouble once. Plus national pride isnt nit picking, clear to see your still off in Bahrain getting your kagaroo to pull a rickshaw while you drive to the Champs Elysee.

Now the Reply

Dear Brian

Thanks for your email to us at Sky and please accept my apologies for the delay in responding.

Your interesting views and comments have been noted and passed to Sky News for their information.

We always welcome feedback and actively encourage viewers to express their observations.

Once again, thanks for contacting us at Sky.

Kind regards

Helen Forbes
Viewer Relations

Well that is the biggest 'we didnt bother to read to your comments' reply ever! Screw you Helen you're on my fast growing list of enemies!!

Letter of the Week- Sky News

2006-02-15T12:36:00.000Z

LETTER OF THE WEEK- Sky News

Dear Sir,

I am writing to you following an email sent last week, in regard to an article placed on Sky News active which could be read from Friday Febuary 10th until at very least the following day, and perhaps beyond. The article related to the establishment of a comittee to determine who the next England football manager will be. In the article reference was made to comments by FA chief Brian Barwick and how they led one to belive that "The new manager will deffinitley by Brittish- with Ulsterman Martin O' Neil favourite."

This is a clear, and obvious assertion that Martin O'Neil is 'Brittish', albeit with the acknowledgement of the fact that he is an Ulsterman. This baffles me, as Ulster is not part of Britain. Britain is the island of Britain containing the countries of England, Scotland, and Wales. Ulster is contained on a seperate island, that of Ireland. If you wished to note how, technically how he was from the U.K. (the United Kingdom officially being the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland) you could have refferred to him as United Kingdom-ish, alternatively if you were oppossed to describing him as Irish, which I know he himself would, you could have described him as Northern Irish.

This complaint does not relate to any political persuasions on my part, I would not be prejudiced against any Northern Irish citizen declaring themself as United Kingdomish. My complaint is based purely against your ignorance of the geo-politcal structure of your own back yard. The fact that you failed to reply to my original complaint, and left the offending artivle unedited only adds to my irritation. I as an Irishman, ie (hehe get it ie is our internet thinghy as well) ie as in being from the Island of Ireland, find your Ignorance, deeply offensive and upsetting.

Your Patriotically

Brian Harrison

PS If you EVER for any reason describe me as British I will sue you, then eat your spine (that was the most unpleasant thing i could think of) (and its not that I have any problem with the British, I just amn't one of you, so the same goes for calling me tibetan, or portuguese)

Cheesy Valentines Messages

2006-02-14T20:42:00.001Z

Well as I'm sure most of my readers are good holy catholics you will of course know the significance of today and will have been to mass to pray for st valentines day.

Upon reading todays Metro I read some very disgustingly amusing love messages, here are my favourites and who knows some familiar names might just pop up...

METRO LOVE NOTES

Gotti Jnr you know you want me.- Scampy

Dear ::JUSTDonal:: You're hot, your fun, your smart, your cool, and a great singer- Kisses Donal

To my husband Gareth Massey Happy Valentines DAy lots of love his wife Margaret MAssey (she put that add in just so 'the lads' in work would slag him)

Lovliest Eoin, I don't mind you have a gammy ass I still love you Carrie

To Papa, Your Alright, From Cockah XXX

Dear The Male population of planet earth, Caitriona's hungry, and it's dinner time!

Eni, You are the sunshine in my life. When I'm not with I am not alive. When I am with, you make me want to be a better man. Baby you put the snap, crackle in my pop. Love always & forever. Ron

Roses are Red Violets are Blue, I am white but my men are black- xxx ALI

To my big butch fiance, Carl.

From me to Paul, just to show there are no hard feelings about your roasting me on your column yesterday. Happy Valentines day, as you spend your 19th consecutive one single XXX (HAHA ZING, there is plent more where that came from)

My dear Miller you are my pillar this valentines day will be a thriller. Love forever Mrs. M

To VLP, Hope in 2006 my stalking can become more mutual- love nics.

Ash- all the soppy love messages in all todays papers are actually for you with all the cuddles and balloons, and pink fluffy cute lambs made out of roses. KISS KISS Harry

Ealaine- I love you lots, can i have this dance, and when we're done I'm fucking off to france- Love Jon

To my Wacko Jacko! "You rock my world" Cha Mon! Love your Fiance x My handsome Prince you are my one and only Love you with all my hearr always Annie XXX

To little jimmy aged 16, this is michael Jackson, I'm sorry it wont work the age is too much of an issue, you are too old!

To Rachel your teeth so pearly you make my heart go twurly whurly. Rain or sunshine, late or early. You are my one and only gurlie. Love LRS

My dearest Hash, I love you more than life itself, lets never be apart- Seamus

Finally one i can only assume is for me...

Brian you're hot I want you- Scarlett J! XXX

Post of the week

2006-02-12T20:12:00.002Z

Word of the Week

Smatchet- A small nasty person

Question of the Week

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Drunken Words of Wisdom of the Week

(whispering)"But Jonathan YOU have an (whispering even softer) arse hole"
Elaine for those wonderful inpiring secrets.

"Look I'm not a drunken mess, I haven't got sick"- Jonathan and can you guess what he was doing the next time i saw him.

"I'm not that bad, at least I didnt bang my head on the toilet seat and get my head stuck in it"-No true Jon but you were outside

Historical Tit-Bit of the Week

In Japan in the late 16th Century a group of Francican Friars who had been banned from preaching in Japan were caught. There punishment as decreed by the Shogun, Tokugawa Hideoshi decided to give them a nice punishment. If they liked Jesus so much, he figured they'd love to be crucified.

Random Fact of the Week

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated

Post of the week

2006-02-12T20:12:00.001Z

Word of the Week

Smatchet- A small nasty person

Question of the Week

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Drunken Words of Wisdom of the Week

(whispering)"But Jonathan YOU have an (whispering even softer) and arse hole"
Elaine for those wonderful inpiring secrets.

"Look I'm not a drunken mess, I haven't got sick"- Jonathan and can you guess what he was doing the next time i saw him.

"I'm not that bad, at least I didnt bang my head on the toilet seat and get my head stuck in it"-No true Jon but you were outside

Historical Tit-Bit of the Week

In Japan in the late 16th Century a group of Francican Friars who had been banned from preaching in Japan were caught. There punishment as decreed by the Shogun, Tokugawa Hideoshi decided to give them a nice punishment. If they liked Jesus so much, he figured they'd love to be crucified.

Random Fact of the Week

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated

Post of the week

2006-02-12T20:12:00.000Z

Word of the Week

Smatchet- A small nasty person

Question of the Week

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Drunken Words of Wisdom of the Week

(whispering)"But Jonathan YOU have an (whispering even softer) and arse hole"
Elaine for those wonderful inpiring secrets.

"Look I'm not a drunken mess, I haven't got sick"- Jonathan and can you guess what he was doing the next time i saw him.

"I'm not that bad, at least I didnt bang my head on the toilet seat and get my head stuck in it"-No true Jon but you were outside

Historical Tit-Bit of the Week

In Japan in the late 16th Century a group of Francican Friars who had been banned from preaching in Japan were caught. There punishment as decreed by the Shogun, Tokugawa Hideoshi decided to give them a nice punishment. If they liked Jesus so much, he figured they'd love to be crucified.

Random Fact of the Week

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated

The Rules of Manhood

2006-02-10T22:10:00.000Z

Some of you will have seen this before. Daragh Keogh Beboed it to me, but I thought it was funny so I'm going to pass it on her.

>(1) Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

>(2) It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c) After wrecking your boss' car.
d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e) When she is using her teeth >

(3) Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.>

(4) Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours. >

(5) If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.>

(6) Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.>

(7) No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.>

(8) On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

>(9) When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

>(10) You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

>(11) It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.

>(12) Only in situations of Moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.>

(13) Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

>(14) If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

>(15) Women who claim they "love to watch sport" must be treated asspies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sport watchers.

>(16) A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

>(17) Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both.... that's just mean.

>(18) If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer

.>(19) Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours... except if she's withholding sex pending your response. >

(20) Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a)Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

>(21) Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: Both urinating, both queuing, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

>(22) Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

>(23) The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to do it again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

>(24) It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

>(25) Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.>

(26) The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?"with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a Playstation, end of story.

2006-02-08T16:20:00.000Z

First of all, everyone (and I'll be surprised If you do this, no one ever does.) but everyone who has ever had a bad experience on Dublin Bus email me and let me know about it. I'm taking them on (scroll down for details)

Secondly the following things are very annoying:

Getting on the bus and not having your money ready, and not only that, having your money in the most inaccessible depths of your bag, it's not like you didnt know you were getting the bus.

Not having your money ready in a shop (and I speak her both as a regular customer in shops, and as an employee) same things as the bus really

Taking a very long time at the ATM

Refering to it as an ATM 'machine'. ATM stands for Automatic Telling MACHINE so that extra machine doesnt fit

PRSI, i pay it, I still don't get sick pay though? what gives?

When you are in a fish shop and a customer tries to tell you that Fish A (most recently Kippers) is actually Fish B(were apparently Smoked Herring Fillets (the same thing)) Trust me the fish shop people know which fish is which. ITs the first thing they teach you.

Badly administered fake tan

Economics... remember in school when you would do maths and it would get frustrating when there weren't actual numbers. Well I can't remember a number not even one was used in an economics lecture.

Thirdly

I still dont know how to get videos onto my iPod

Fourthly

Because everything else has been negative today, on a positive note. I'm actually in quite a good mood today, the birds are singing, the trees are eh singing. So everyone be happy

The People Versus Dublin Bus

2006-02-06T14:50:00.000Z

On Saturday I sat down to write my letter of the week, which was to be my second letter of the week to Dublin Bus. The first can be viewed at http://basicallybrian.blogspot.com/2005/08/captains-log-star-date-3082005.html

My second letter can be read below. Before posting Saturdays letter I read Jon's (http://strictlyjonathan.blogspot.com/2006/02/one-very-off-strictly-jonathan.html#comments) column in which he requested I send a letter on his behalf to Dublin Bus, an odd coincidence I thought.

Now I hate Dublin Bus, they give me nothing but headaches. Most people also hate Dublin Bus. SO what I want is everyone who has ever had a bad experience, or bad experiences on Dublin Bus to do is tell me about them. Email me every little story, no matter how small, to basicallybrian@hotmail.com and when I have the several hundred thousand I am expecting then I will send them all in one big A4 envelope (the type with the bubble wrap if nessecary) to Dublin Bus. Power in numbers people!

Dear Sir,

During the summer you ran a campaign suggesting that if we had a problem with Dublin Bus we should tell you and not others. That is exactly what I did, and you never wrote back. I have enclosed my original letter for you to consider at your leisure, however my current issue I feel needs more immediate attention.

I live at Howth Summit, on the route of the 31 bus. Recently my bus stop dissapeared. I assumed at first that it was some drunken ruffians carryon some tomfoolery, but one day as a bus reluctantly stopped for me at the site of the former stop I was corrected. The stop according to this, and subsequent drivers, was removed by Dublin Bus.

Which leads me to wonder, why? Not just why was it removed, but why is there anybody who's job it is to decide to remove stops, why is there a team that removes stops, why would you pay to have a stop removed, and then yes lastly why did you decide to remove that stop? It seems to me alot of trouble, and unnessecary expense.

Now last week I did some investigating, and I regret to inform you that your mysterious team of bus stop removers did a shoddy job. For example, look at the hole where the bus stop was used to reside.

That is very dangerous, and if it isn't fixed it is quite likely I will trip on it and sue you.

Now another question I have is regarding the disposal of the old bus stops. I assumed that they were taken away by your men, and maybe put where new bus stops were needed. But take a look at these, these photos I took just about 500 meters away from the site of the stop.

Yes thats right I regret to inform you that your men illegally dumped the bus stop. Corporate littering, a serious crime, and one I may have to report.

You really have done a poor job on this stop removal. UNLESS I was right all along. It was drunken tomfoolery from some adolescent ruffians, and you had nothing to do with it, and your drivers lied, because they thought it the easiest option. In which case can I have a new stop, cause a fair few buses have driven past me, and it's really very annoying!

Yours Sincerly

Brian Harrison

2006-02-04T19:56:00.000Z

We'll all remember how funny it was when it was pointed out how i might... in some small way, be slightly like the crazy pervy brother from the wedding crashers, yes haha very funny.

Turns out that guy is hot so I have the last laugh

You will then remember certain similarites I drew between Jonathan and Graheme Norton (but icouldnt find the picture of jon that looked like him)

And we all knew that our much loved Viva La Pablo looks very like Bam MArgera from Viva La Bam.

Well in the course of some research I have uncovered a few other people who happen to have evil twins floating about the place. Take a look ...

R.E.M. Front man (but more interestingly 'Being John Malkovich' Producer) Michael Stipe, is infact John Malkovich.

Have you ever seen Michael, and Lotoya Jackson in the same place at the same time

Our supreme leader the all mighty, all powerful, all wonderful Bertie Ahern looks very like...

Igor from Count Duckula

And thats about All I could come up with

The Quiz Results are here

2006-02-01T14:36:00.000Z

The Results of the BASICALLY BRIAN 1 Year Anniversary Quiz are in. People entered in their thousands, and here are the results.

In last place, albeit jointly, but still, someone I have known since i was three, that is a total of 16 years.

CAitriona on 18% thats only 2 right. (to everyone else but caitriona she's probably to busy with 'other things' to concentrate on quizzes)

Joining her on 18%

Andrea after she begged me to help her, so i posted her the quiz, which only just made it on time, however the fact that she enclosed with it my first peice of actual fan mail is a bonus, which might get rewarded.

Nics, well in fairness I've never her met her so thats not bad.

and Emily, who dissapoints me and Jon greatly by never visiting the site so serves her right

Up one teir to 27%

Ellen- Beating Caitriona was a good result I think

Aoife Roberts- You should have done better than Ellen, no offence to Ellen but Aoife you should have done better

Jonathan- As new best friend you should have done much better (see how well old best friends do towards the end of the post (and by old I don't mean as in not anymore Eoin i mean as in have been for longer))

Up again to 36%

We have my good old Buddy Fergus 'unky 'baron von ravishing' ferg' Gleeson. And he didnt do soooo bad.

And with him Aisling, who i think only visited the site for the first time minutes before taking the quiz so that was also a good result, beating several of the 'inner circle'

Up one more to 45%

We have Aoife Nathan, a good result despite her thinking my childhood hero was Kurt Cobain... I mean really Aoife I was a happy go lucky kid i didnt harbour nearly enough angst for that.

And THEN Jessica, well only getting 45%, and that's all that really needs to be said there isnt it. Tut tut tut Im not impressed. And seeing as I dont think she reads this anymore I can tell you (in an Eoin style move) her secrets, she is afraid of fish, i work with fish. we never had a chance.

Moving up in the world 54%

Suzanne. Well done I'm impressed.

And the Winner is...

on 63%...

Eoin, our newest columnist but my oldest friend (well apart from paul who beats you by about 3 minutes, but when you are talking about 16 or so years lets just forget those) Trust Eoin to win. Good old Eoin.
(although it is worth noting that my mommy did get 72% but at the offset i specified that family members and ex girlfriends were exempt)

Congratulations Eoin You have one the first of the limited edition Key Rings. You can now make your selection of the following 4 designs

The fridge Magnets come in 4 unique styles.
1)Classic BASICALLY BRIAN
2)BASICALLY BRIAN Reports
3)The Finger
4) BASICALLY BRIAN

Plenty more prizes to be awarded soon.

State of the Website Address

2006-01-31T21:59:00.000Z

**I Promise to put pictures on this tomorrow but I'm too tired now**

Ladies and Gentlemen, fellow columnists, and fellow readers, and radomers searching through blogspot, it is with great honour, and privelidge I deliver this my first state of the website address.(Those of you up on U.S. current affairs will understand whats going on better than most)

Over the past year we have seen tremendous growth, and tumultous change. What was once one mans outlet inflicting dire music on us all has matured, and is now two mens outlet for inflicting dire music on us all... As well of course as the amusing social commentaries of all our columnists past and present.

It hasn't been an easy year, and I would like to take this time to remember our fallen comrades [pause for effect] Poor Baron Von Ravishing, fell victim to a tupparware addiction, and a trip to the Gaelteacht and is missed by all. Captain Conrad Sterling, or Paul Farrell, as he his mammy calls him wrote one column and then got bored, and so we really couldnt care less. The writer, a mysterious carachter alright, I think he might be back someday you know.

But of course the biggest loss of the year was that of our beloved Viva La Pablo. He may have been a communist, he may stolen all his jokes from me or Conan O'Brien. He may even had inferior personal hygene. But damn it he was our smelly communist joke stealer, and we miss him, and we hope he can come back soon.

With these departures have brought new arrivals. The Baron begot Strictly Jonathan, who in all his Graeme Norton look alikeing ways has kept us informed of all the goings on in both the world of pop culture, and the howth social scene. Viva La Pablo begot Eoin [name to be announced very shortly] and although I some time hope to fufil my dream of writing on this site with the three of us together, for now Eoin is very welcome.

So where is the website? We are currently battling our own boredom I think, and so I call upon you the readers to leave lots of comments, to make us feel big and funny, and smart.

I call on all the columnists to us pictures (some of the readers dont like reading), and my fellow columnists steal as many jokes, but never get caught.

And to everybody, especially Michael Jackson, remember that Liable is only fun for the person doing the suing!

I leave you all with the rallying call, last yaer we recieved 46,256 hits, by my state of the Site Address Next year. I want that figure to be 100,000. We need everyone!

Thank you... And Green Day Bless the Site!

Letter Day Returns

2006-01-27T09:26:00.000Z

As Aoife Roberts can tell you all to well, or more specifically her nameless boss, I don't take kindly to being owed money. Leading to an earlier crusade to gain my €52.50 from him, which ended in my victory after a slightly threatening later in early December. He was a small guy who owed me a (relatively) large amount of money, this weeks letter is too a big, huge in fact, business guy, who owes me a relatively small amount of money.

This weeks letter is addressed to Mr. Malcom Galzer, the CEO of Glazer Sporting Enterprises, and is being sent to Manchester Untied F.C. Old Trafford, in Manchester, England.

Dear Mr. Glazer,

First of all congratulations on your first few months in charge at United. I must admit I was sceptical at first that you may be a bloodsucking assett striping vampire, but then realised that for you to make money the team must be successful. I am encouraged by the start you have made, and the generous spending so far.

Now that I have dispensed with the obligatory pleasantaries, down to business. I fear Mr. Glazer you owe me money. My understanding of the business of the takeover is as followes. You bought J.P.'s and John Magnier's shares, then managed to get it up to about 70% (that sounded kind of dirty, I didn't mean it like that I'm sure your perfectly virile) at which point you were forced to launch a formal takeover, and then when you reached 90% share ownership were able to de-list Manchester United PLC from the London Stock Exchange, and compulosory purchase the remaining shares for a sum around £4 as I recall.

Prior to your take over, I owned Manchester United, well I owned what I calculated at around 0.000000017%, whatever it was one share. So I was the boss there, (and never got paid for it I'll add.) I have yet to recieve any payment for my one share, share number (I'll check that at home later) and so I estimate that you owe me something in the region of £4, we'll ignore interest, I'm not petty. So I would very much appreciate if you could send me a cheque for the amount of £4, or alternatively (prefarably infact) €5.60, or if easier, some tickets to any up coming fixture may move to quench my thirst for litigous blood in this matter.

Thank You for taking the time to read this letter, and I will look forward to sorting out this business, as I am sure will you. The last thing a man in debt to the tune of £600,000,000 wants is another £4 debt.

Yours Sincerly

Brian Harrison

BASICALLY BRIAN's Post of the Week

2006-01-25T22:14:00.000Z

BASICALLY BRIAN's Word of the Week

Ante-Jentacular: Pre breakfast, I personally think this is a great word, and can be used all the time... So long as it's before breakfast.

BASICALLY BRIAN's Question of the Week

If you choke a Smurf, what color will it turn?

BASICALLY BRIAN's Historical Tit-Bit of the Week

EIGHT HUNDRED and thirty one years Roz! That is exactly how long it's been.

BASICALLY BRIAN's Random Fact of the Week

Baby robins eat 14 feet of earthworms every day

BASICALLY BRIAN's Rant of the Week

I learned today how annoying it can be when people spell your name wrong, so if I've ever done it I'm sorry

BASICALLY BRIAN's Mildly Amusing Picture of the Week

2006-01-24T22:38:00.000Z

Well as you may have noticed our newest columnist Eoin went into hospital today, nothing too serious. I'd tell you what was wrong with him only I think he might have ASSked me not to cause he might be the BUTT of some jokes, but don't worry it wont be too long before he'll REAR his ugly head, and be back to his usual gRUMPy self, ARSEin about with out a HAIR (and this is where you really need to think) in the world. So lets drink to eoin then everyone BOTTOMs up!!!

But in other Eoin related news he moved into the lead in the quiz with an impressive 63%

Good old wigan.

There is as school in england for autistic children, and I swear to god it's called the Spa School

And I seemingly have lost incentive now, going hibernating extrabig yawn!

bye now

Things to do while your still a teenager

2006-01-23T21:45:00.000Z

Still time to take my Bebo quiz, which Suzanne is still winning, and Caitriona still losing. Andrea is yet to take it, despite the fact I went to the trouble of mailing her the quiz!

I'm turning 20 soon, and will no longer be a teenager. There are several things (I'll say thrirTEEN to be neat about it) I think all teenagers must do, here they are. I have done some of these (but don't worry mommy no drugs) some I intend to do, others I have had to concede that I am already too mature to do or for some reason or other am unlikely to get around to.

1. Rebel against their parents by at least one of the following, hair dye, tattoo, or body piercing.

2. Walk around town in black as if the whole world is against you. And trust me when you walk around like that they are.

3. Go on a road trip (I went on one last week all the way to malahide with Eoin)

4. 24 hours of solid drinking

5. Go on a gambling binge and lose obseen amounts of money

6. Sneak out of your girlfriends bed room window

7. Try to find yourself (whatever that means)

8. Experiment with drugs (I've never done that, and I think it's a common fact that I don't approve)

9. Yell the word SHOTS at a bar and she how many followers you get

10. Be arrested(I got questioned, but not arrested), or at least brought home in a taxi

11. Go streaking at a college demonstration

12. Attend an extra-curricular lecture at the Royal Irish Academy given by the former Foriegn Minister of Japan (I'm doing that tomorrow I'm so cool)

13. Break at least one law

2006-01-21T15:12:00.000Z

Hello everybody
i am really bored, and I mean REALLY Bored. There is nothing on TV
and all sky news is on About is that bloody whale. I simply don't care!

i would like to remind you all to take my quiz and win a free fridge magnet of
several designs so far Suzanne is winning, on 54%, that's not very good, but
last time i looked as Caitriona who I have known longer than practially
I have known anybody else is last I'm
not judging any of you. But only a few days left so
go take it quick!

Thats an order

HERE IS A LIST OF BANDS With Good Names (im very bored)

Arcade Fire
Nine inch Nails
Kasabian
Sonic Youth
Fun lovin' criminals
Ocean Colour Scene
Reel Big Fish
Lady smith Black Mambazo
Alice in Chains
Skinless ( I can Identify with there name)
The White Stripes
No Doubt
Incubus
Goo Goo Dolls
Happy Mondays
T- Rex

The guest book. The HOT place to be

2006-01-19T18:10:00.000Z

Well the ::JUSTDonal:: guest book has been a place of slight amusement, aggression, and lets face it ego boosting for us. Like Donie's ill fated message board it nowadays seems to get very few hits. However in recent week I've noticed it picking up again.

It is now a veritable cauldron of hormones where one can pick up strap on teens, or young gay boys in the click of a mouse. So I have one question what the hell is going on?

BASICALLY BRIAN's Word of the Week

Earwitness: meaning pretty obvious, but I still think it is a pretty cool word

BASICALLY BRIAN's Question of the Week

Do sheep shrink in the rain?

BASICALLY BRIAN's Drunken Words of Wisdom of the Week

"Hey everyone look it's brokeback mountain!!" - Some randomer in Ba Mizu, and he was right there were two men wearing cow boy hats dancing with eachother

BASICALLY BRIAN's Random Fact of the Week

The average North-American will eat 35,000 cookies in during their life span.

Back in College so back to work

2006-01-18T12:33:00.000Z

Well after only a six week break I'm back in college to learn about the wonders of long run economic growth and it's cumulative effects on quality of life. Believe it or not that is actually the most interesting I could make that sound. Being in back in college mean that I will be forced by boredom into more regular posts so that should please all of you my loyal regulars.

1. Many of you have still to take my Bebo quiz, which Suzanne is currently winning at 54%, and that includes 'that woman' (you may know her as Jess) her score, despite going out for as long as we did only managing 45%. Shocked and Appalled.

2. I still don't know how to get videos onto my iPod, and I would really like videos on my iPod. Anyone with any ideas let me know, and yes it is a video iPod, which is one suggestion i recieved that it may not be one.

NOW back to business, today is letter as you will all recall, and so today's letter goes to C&C, the company that make Club orange, Tayto crisps, and most importantly for todays purposes Bulmers.

Dear Sir (I will endevour to find a name later)

Over the past few years a certain aspect of the Bulmers has come to my attention. Now before I explain this, I would like to say that my complaint bears no inference onto the product itself, and should not be viewed as such.

My problem comes with you marketing mix (thats what us clever people call ads and other stuff ask Daragh Mc about it if you want to learn more), and no this isn't about targeting young people , because I really couldn't care about that, I have far more important things to worry about as you will see.

You will of course know, as it was your ad which informed me that nothing is more 'summer' than a pint bottle of bulmers. Bulmers is portrayed as your typical [ahhhh i hate people talking loudly on their mobiles in the computer room its so rude] 'summer drink' with the back drop of songs such as the Kinks classic 'Sunny Afternoon'. Now that's a very good idea, I'm sure it's an effective campaign. Then however you have tried to convince me that nothing is more winter than Bulmers, which is the polar opposite to summer. I think I even remember an autumn ad (and really you should make note in your autumn campaign of the autmn harvest).

Would it be possible for you to clarify what season one should ideally drink Bulmers. If you feel it is a drink for all seasons you should consider promoting it as such. May I suggest a montage ad comprising all the previous seasonal ads, and then the slogan Bulmers a drink for all year round.

As you can see I have a lot of time on my hands, but that has been bothering me. Thank you for your time.

Yours Sincerely

Brian Harrison

Saturday, saturday saturday SATURDAY

2006-01-14T11:21:00.000Z

First a reminder that you can get your hands on your very own BASICALLY BRIAN fridge magnet if you win my Bebo quiz, so far only three have taken it, and Suzanne is in the lead with 50 something, and then Ellen and Aoife ?? Roberts? i think, both on 27%. So as you can see the competition isnt too hard.

Now I would like to introduce a new thing that I'm doing here, called the BASICALLY BRIAN Hall of Fame. It is as you may have guessed a Hall of Fame where heros, both dead and alive, get to enter, and do the sort of thing one does while in a Hall of Fame, except smoking and flash photography is strictly forbidden. It is as big an honour as recieving a knighthod by the queen or being named Time Magazine's Man of the Year. Or indeed Eoin's Man of the year, although I doubt Barry Gallagher will be in my hall of fame as the last time we spoke he tried to convince me that I wasn't me, because he used to play football with Brian Harrison so he knows him, and so I amn't Brian Harrison. He had been drinking.

The first induction into my hall is, oh thats right big surprise, lets all say it on together on the count of three, 1,2,3. Billie Joe Armstrong.

So why Billie Joe? You must be asking, seeing as the last time we spoke (and I really mean that (really)) He compeletely dissed me. As any of you at oxegen will recall, except Paul who let a woman get in the way, will recall I ALMOST went up on stage to play with them, before a ripped muscley guy with no shirt who was stuck to the spot in absolute star struck amazement got picked instead.

Well first and foremost his music, which if you've ever spoken to me for more than about 6 seconds you will know I'm a fan of. Most men apparently think of sex about every 6 seconds, I think of Green Day about ever 5 seconds.

His Charity work, is a true testament to him, (that's just a guess really, but you find that most people as rich as him are quite charitable)

He's always been lovely to his mother.

For a man not blessed with the most physical beauty, bad teeth, slightly chubby, he is incredibly sexy. And if you disagree you just haven't seen him up close. He's hot, and I'm straight.

His son's middle name actually Danger- how cool is that?

He has the true badge of honour as a rock star, no not a grammy(although he has one of those two (that wasn't bad grammer it was a pun because he has two)), he has a DUI conviction. That's what us smart people call Driving under the influence

So now all we have to do is give him his award. (and look some familiar friends have popped along to congratulate him)

And there you have it, you know that statuette cost me thousands to have desinged and it looks to me suspicously like and MTV award

2006-01-12T10:20:00.000Z

Well today is a very big day, huge in fact, it's the anniversary of something very special (Aoife Roberts knows what I'm talking about) That's right you've guessed it. Today is my One Year Anniversary on ::JUSTDonal::

My memory is a little hazy but I believe the conversation went exactly like this:

Actually I don't remeber and somebody seems to have erased my chat logs, which I was keeping specifically for this post for about 6 months!

As part of my celebration I am launching a new range of prizes. To get hold of these limited edition BASICALLY BRIAN Fridge Magnets you must take my quiz on Bebo (Jess you cant you have an unfair advantage, but you still have to take the quizm, and if your want you can have a magnet). If by any chance I don't know you, OR you cant find me on bebo email me at basicallybrian@hotmail.com and I'll email you the test.

The fridge Magnets come in 4 unique styles. 1)Classic BASICALLY BRIAN
2)BASICALLY BRIAN Reports
3)The Finger
4) BASICALLY BRIAN

And Now...

BASICALLY BRIAN's Post of the Year

BASICALLY BRIAN's Word of the Year

Gynotikomassomobophile: A man with an extreme fettish about womens ear lobes

BASICALLY BRIAN's Question of the Year

How does the man who drives the snow plough get to work in the morning? Come on people its killing

BASICALLY BRIAN's Historical Tit-Bit Of the Year

Attilla the Hun died in 438 due to a nose bleed caused by over exertion brought on by consumating his twenty somethingth marriage

BASICALLY BRIAN's Drunken Words of Wisdom of the Year

Would a little bit of ethnic cleansing be that bad- Suzanne CArter, and yes it would

BASICALLY BRIAN's News Story of the Year

The scientists who tried to get pandas to mate by showing them specially made panda porn.

BASICALLY BRIAN's Random Fact of the YEar

The dot over the letter 'i' is called a tittle.

BASICALLY BRIAN's Advice of the Year

Never trust a man who when left on his on in a room with a tea cosy doesnt try it on

Introducing Eoin Brennan

2006-01-10T18:49:00.000Z

Partly to welcome our brand new columnist, and partly to get some revenge on for his seceret blabbing on behalf his girlfriend Carrie, I'm giving you, with the insight gained from our roadtrip today, the inside story of Eoin Brennan... In a little piece I'm calling

The Inside Story of Eoin Brennan

Eoin, is often referred to as 'Swanny.' A common mistake is to assume that this is his name. Is he called swanny because he holds all the elegance and grace of a swan? no; or is it because he fights with the vigour, passion, and strength of some chap from ballymun in the 70's or 80's with the surname swan, it would seem yes.

His current girlfriend Carrie, who I am just hazarding a guess here is 19, and who is from Edenmore, I have reliably been informed could kick several kinds of shit out of him, if she so choose.

He claims to have slept with people and i quote 'hotter than Brittaney Spears', I have seen them, and note I am not moving to dispell these claims.

His father Joe, despite being a nice fella, is absolutely insane and has on several seperate occasions tried to kill me. And on several more succeeded in embarrassing either one or both of us.

While on our road trip Eoin stalled 4 times (see the photos below of eoin stalling tomorrow or whenever i post about our road trip)

He has the ability to stop his own heart!... ok only by killing himself and we can all do that but sure I thought I'd make him look super cool.

He is a proffesional football hooligan

And most importantly he is our newest columnist so everyone better go and support him on the VLP site for the time being and make him feel welcome

2006-01-10T18:32:00.000Z

First and foremost, anybody who knows how I can get videos onto my iPod, let me know at basicallybrian@hotmail.com I just can't get them onto to iTunes ahhh!!!!... and yes it is a video iPod I'm not that stupid

Here are some interesting things I saw in Paris which I didn't expect to see.

1. The man that lives in Charles de Galle Airport that the film The Terminal is about.
2. A dog underneath the table of the restaurant i was eating at.
3. A very old woman's 'bits', she was wearing a short skirt and NOTHING under it, and a brief but unfortunate glance befell me.
4. Mokosi from Big Brother
5. A large box of rubber gloves beside the x-ray machine in the airport.... thank god i didnt set it off
6. The inside of the first class cabin of the TGV

As well as this photo of Le Louvre, in which I only realised after I got the photo home, that the WOMAN in the foreground looks REALLY, really, like ME!!

The Paris hmm Ordeal

2006-01-08T10:29:00.000Z

Now in my various travels I have encountered, and disposed of, several deadly scorpions; stood on, and almost fallen down a faulty man hole cover; a freak 15ft porteguese wave which tried to drown me when i was 5; a plane that almost was involved in a mid air collision; and a particularly virulent tonsil virus. None of these ordeals, and nothing short of a full scale attack of all these things togehter in one go could have prepared me for what befell me yesterday. When I got trapped in the changing rooms of a Tommy Hilfigers!!!

I was in the shopping resort of Val D'Europe, on the outskirts of Paris. This is what it looks like.

I went into Tommy Hilfigers, where I found a pair of jeans for a steal at a mere 44.50. Of course when is a bargain not a bargain? When you don't need it, and seeing as my mommy was paying it was nessecary to try them on. I went to the changing rooms, which look something like this

I went in a locked the door, at this point I noticed that the lock was a bit stiff, but not to worry, I thought. I tried the jeans on, and having decided that they weren't for me, redressed and went to make my exit.

The lock wouldn't budge. I took a moment to gather my thoughts, and then went to try again. Nope nothing, the lock would not budge. I then spent about 5 or so minutes trying to force the lock... nothing.

I realised at this point, that my family, waiting outside, would be wondering what the hold up was, so I decided rather than the embarrassment of having daddy come rescue me I called him, and explained the situation, to buy me more time.

The lock still wouldn't budge.

It had been about 13 minutes now. When a memeber of staff realised that I had been a long time, and came to check on me. It was at this point where every word of French I have ever learned decided to leave me. I couldn't even remeber the word for yes, and all I could think of was "Ta an doras briste!" Irish for the door is broken and so no use to me. After some back and forth in french in which the man kept telling me to turn the lock and I was trying to tell him it won't turn he went away.

The lock still wouldn't budge

Twenty minutes now. And a man with english arrived. "turn the lock" he said. "IT wont turn I replied". Now finally we were getting somewhere. After some more comotion a man with a screw driver did something and the lock opened. The original french man upon seeing me said "Ah tu es rouge!" Well you'd be fecking rougue too if you'd just been stuck in a fitting room for 25 mintues.

AND THEN.... All I wanted to do in the world was leave! Straight away, but mummy had other ideas oh no, we weren't leaving becuase she saw other things I might like? Did she really think I would try them on??

That is the single most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me. But it could be worse I could've farted during the leaving cert chemistry exam, as per Roz

The Brianies: 2005

2006-01-02T16:19:00.000Z

Before I feck off to France until Sunday I bring you the first annual Brianies. The award show that awards awards to various award worthy award winners based on various award meritting performances in many award fields, from sports to social life, from show biz, to something else. So with out any further ado...

The nominees for Best Concert of 2005.

R.E.M.- Ardgillan Castle.
Green Day- Oxegen
U2- Croke Park
Jimmy Eat World- The Olympia
Kaiser Cheifs- Oxegen

And the Award goes to... Green DAy at Oxegen (was there ever any doubt)

The Nominees for best new comer into my social circle sphere of knowing who you are

Elaine (especially for minding going to get my jacket for me from inside the stream because i was cold)
Andrea (because she gave me a candy cane)
Justin Fay (to fill up names really)
Shane Wall (manys a good trip to the pub shared with him)
The toilet guy from the stream (he has to put up with some real crap (haha get it?))

And the Briany goes to... ELAINE (I really was quite cold that night)

The Nominees for Best Motion Picture are...

Match Point (staring Scarlett Johansson)
The Island (staring Scarlett Johansson)
A Good Woman (staring Scarlett Johansson)

And the Winner is... Match Point (even though I haven't seen it yet)

And the Nominees for Best night out of the year are...

Brian Paul and P.J. celebrate the end of my college term with a pub crawl in town.
Black out thursday- the stream opens its bar, and the penisula gets very drunk
Christmas Eve in K2- The night when everyone who was everyone (apart from people not from howth who had no way to get home) was there.
Aoife Nathan's Parties
Man Utd. Lose 4-1 to Middlesborough and Brian and Paul drown their sorrows with Kate, Paddy & Co.

And the winner is... Aoife Housex2

And the Nominees for Best Song of the Year are...

Feelin' Good- Gorrillaz
I Predict a Riot- Kaiser Chiefs
Lyla- Oasis

Annnnnnnd I've run out of time and am going to Paris. To be continued....

2005

2006-01-01T14:15:00.000Z

10 9 blah blah blah HAPPY SUNDAY!!! I had THE most random night last night, but twas fun anyway, plus I won half a 42" Plasma T.V. but I don't think it's possible to half a T.V. so I guess I didn't.

My New Years Resolution: More Betterer Posts!!!

Here are my 2005 Highlights

10. Man United Beating Chelsea in Septembers

9. Quiting Beshoffs (Ok I'm back but ya know)

8. Passing my Exams

7. Developing a gambling problem

6. Making friends with strippers in Spirit, contact Chris Heather for photos

5. Waving and getting acknowledge by R.E.M. bass player Mike Mills

4. Making lots of new friends (awww Im so nice)

3. Finally getting paid the promostions guy

2. Be questions as a suspected murderer

1. Locking eyes with, and conversing with Billie Joe Armstrong at Oxegen and Oxegen in general

But 2005 is over gone dead. Here are my predictions for 2006

1. Argentina will win the World Cup

2. Israeli President Ariel Sharon will die.

3. Paul will get naked when shouldnt

4. People will stop protesting about pollution when they realise megaphones are the worse polluters of them all

5. Green Day will headline Slane (with and this is pushing my luck in terms of guesses, with The killers number 2)

6. The Queen will award Sven Goran Erikson and MBE

7. The Simpsons will announce the production of a Simpson's movie

8. ::JUSTDonal:: band will get Christmas number 3, but thats still very good

9. I will finally quit my job for ever.

10. Cillian Murphy will win an oscar

BASICALLY BRIAN's Post of the Week

2005-12-29T21:39:00.000Z

Question of the Week

Where is Amarillo, and how do you get there?

Word of the Week

No. (always feels good to say)

Drunken Words of Wisdom of the Week

The O.C. is Shite! It's like neighbours on acid!! [adrian the accountant in work]

News Story of the Week

Police in Nashville tennesse are investigating the dissapearance of 'the nun bun' a bun which remebles mother teresa which had been on display in a bakery for there for 9 years

Happy Anniversary (with gorey pictures)

2005-12-28T21:24:00.000Z

*****Right Screw this, it's been near an hour trying to get the crappy photos up. I'll do it tomorrow*******

Well hard to believe it has been a year already. And although many of you may be sick of this story I'm going to tell it in brief anyway (and Please note that I only ever tell the story now when other people ask me to or it is brought up by others.)

I remember it like it waso only this day last year. It was a cold winter morn, and I went to work.

This is me,

And this is where I work.

One of the things I do is skin black sole

(thats not a black sole but its pretty close)

On one of these, a fish skinning machine

It's a good idea when using a fish skinning machine to keep your fingers away. I didn't, don't ask how I don't remeber. This is what happened.

Day 1.

Queen's Speech

2005-12-25T13:08:00.000Z

I would like to begin this years address to the nation by making some joke about it being the queen's speech, and she speaks funny. Perhaps I can formalise it into a joke at a later stage. In deed it has been an amazing year, very eventful, and I hope for you my dear readers very fun.

It all really began for me with the now imfamous fish skinning machine accident December 28th, and if that was going to change my life for ever nothing could prepare me for the whirlwind of fame that befell me as I joined the ::JUSTDonal:: crew. Around the time of the splendiforous Green Day concert in the Point, I was questioned by a detective over a murder, but it blew over.

You my dear readers began to be educated by my amazing propensity to remember long words such as propensity, random facts, and to think up mind boggling questions. Lucky you.

Then the election, for legal gagging reasons one can not speak of this, but between you and me I think we may not have heard the last of Eoin. From the election rose the greatest era of the website.

With Paul in his full time job trying not to work he posted every day, with myself in unemployed and trying to find a job I posted every day. We were brilliant. And modest too.

As the year drew to a close and we had this wonderful redesign.

2005-12-22T10:07:00.000Z

Many of you may have noticed that Viva La Pablo, has been removed from the sight. The decision was taken after his tupparware addiction was beggining to get his job done, as was bad from the atmosphere of ::JUSTDonal:: Towers our 37 story office building in downtown Howth.

Now my last post not anything particularly interesting I reported on blogspot neighbours including when I said "http://finniesfotos.blogspot.com/ A pictoral view of the Finnie's serving God in South Africa with Crosslinks at Helderberg Christian church. And photos of an almost naked 3 year old"

Now that sight is odd, and I don't apologise for saying so, and at the time I said it there were pictures of an almost naked 3 year old (they're gone now).

I got a comment though "I did enjoy your post about your 'neighbours' and your comment about my 3 year old. Thanks for linking to our photoblog, maybe you should also try our main blog for a bit of context: http://dpfinnie.blogspot.comCheersDean" ... I think he is being sarcastic. he he he

Well on to more important matters.... I don't really have anything to say.

Last night I heard THE WORST chat up line ever. [some randomer to Jonathan's girlfriend Ealaine ] "Want to come outside for some (and he made a blow job gesture). Would you say that has ever worked?

Don't you miss the coherency of the summer posts, the battles between myself and Pablo for supremacy.

BASICALLY BRIAN's Drunken Words of Wisdom of the Week

"Paul you're hot!" Jonathan to Paul Francis, not Pablo, Paul FRANCIS. Which incidently is the first two parts of my dad's name cause he is Paul Francis HArrison.

Christmas soon that'll be something to look forward to, can you believe it's been a year already.

As you can possibly tell I'm trying to kill time till Paul gets here but I have even failed at that. So good bye

Internet Freaks

2005-12-20T12:30:00.000Z

For the first time ever I started surfing my blogspot neighbours and my god some of them are weird. I learned one valueable lesson though, never go to Iceland!

Here are some of them:

http://acontrariosensu.blogspot.com/ A pictorial rendition of the Green Day classic Good Riddance (Time of your life)

http://svenni76.blogspot.com/ An Icelandic fruitcake who refers to himself as the svenster and describes himself as "Young, handsome, well-hung and horny as hell... for as low as 300Euro per hour, Svenster and his 18" can be yours for 60 minutes. For longer durations, call +354 990 5000"
-And remeber Caitriona to check with the bill payer before calling.

http://cartino6.blogspot.com/ This is the ultimate soppy site, en francais, it is a place to relax and look at babies, unicorns, and care bears. I think this women needs a bit of stress, I can only imagine how horrendously mellow she is.... AHH it's a ctually a guy, who just puts photos of women breast feeding on it.

http://schnorkel.blogspot.com/ Managed to put a huge amount of effort into his blog, which only reads "Once in a time there was a small submarine that sunk in a rough sea"

http://finniesfotos.blogspot.com/ A pictoral view of the Finnie's serving God in South Africa with Crosslinks at Helderberg Christian church. And photos of an almost naked 3 year old

http://thethompsons07.blogspot.com/ The Thompson family, the perfect american family who live the perfect american dream and oh aren't they something to be marvelled at.

http://clubmosquitos.blogspot.com/ This one has alot some photos of a fish shop, very exciting for a fellow mongerer. There you can see Marlin, a swordfish like fish, with a slightly less meaty flavour and texture, which can be bought from Beshoffs of Howth for 19.95 a kilo

http://tony-lotty-at-large.blogspot.com/ about tony and lotty and their real life on going adventure to war torn Angola

http://thisfarcecalledlife.blogspot.com/ You know that phase go through where some you kids think life sucks and all that, wel here is a woman who still apparently thinks life isnt never worth it.

2005-12-19T19:25:00.000Z

Last night Ali told me in the stream that an I quote "the website is really broing these days. Cutting words indeed, but I have to agree, and Ali by the way you are barred from BB competitions. So I am looking for suggestions? Any suggestions to basicallybrian@hotmail.com

Now I was walking through town today, down Graffton Street and I was thinking, who is Grafton, and who cares? We should rename some of the Dublin streets to revamp them, and make them cool, in a piece I've called.....

Cool New Street Names

Graffton Street--------> Too Expensive to buy anything and so to HMV it is Boulevard.

Sherrif Street----------> Culchie Gaurd Street

Henry Street----------->Doesn't need a name it would confuse people

Fishamble Street-------> Baby Shambles Street (too be ultra cool)

Dame Street------------> Me Bord (Bird in a Dublin accent) Street

Ha'penny Bridge-------> Any Spare Change Bridge

Liffey Street------------> Stiffey Street

Moore Street----------->Whore Street

and finally

Temple Street(where the children's hospital is)---------> Michael Jackson Street (so as to scare kids further of going to hospital)

No inspiration

2005-12-17T15:30:00.000Z

I have had no inspiration to write anything lately, nothing funny has enterd my head, and that is a terrible state of affairs. Here though are some of my highlights of work in the fish shop.

Irish Female customer around 50 (who has until this point seemed quite smart): "What is this fish here, it's very unusual looking?"

Me: Eh thats seaweed

Customer to Dec: Is that fresh?

Dec to Customer: Well one must admit it has a pungent smell reminiscent of an elderly vagina

Customer to Manager: Will you get me 4 sea bass?

Manager to Customer: No I'm sick of you coming in every week and buying everything getting me to work hard, and bossing me about, so just FUCK OFF.

Customer leaves.

Manager to Dec (who is 2 hours late): Declan are you hungover?

Dec: No

Manager: Are you sure?

Dec: Positive I'm still pissed.

BASICALLY BRIAN's Post of the Week

2005-12-16T20:39:00.000Z

BASICALLY BRIAN's Word of the Week

Bellibone- A woman excelling in both beauty and goodness

BASICALLY BRIAN's Question of the Week

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard

BASICALLY BRIAN's Drunken Words of Wisdom of the Week

"Ah I've reached the urinal, the centre of the world" Daragh Mc

And I swore I would never do this, and of course it was extremely unlikely I would ever have cause too, but here goes...

"Oh dear use miigh t i feeb awful. I love you enzyzay your nighiv" I text sent to Jessica from... well me. Yes that's right me!

BASICALLY BRIAN's Historical Tit-Bit of the Week

The aztecs were afraid of the European exploers' beards.

BASICALLY BRIAN's Random Fact of the Week

Constructing the Luas cost 34 million euro per kilometer

2005-12-14T22:11:00.000Z

Firstly here are 5 things you probably didn't know about the enviornment.

1. The total annual fish catch is 117million tonnes, worth 70 billion euro.

2. Ireland emits 170 million tonnes of Carbon every year.

3. Spending money of enviornmentaly clean technology will damage the enviornment. (trust me I'm an economist)

4. The reduction in lead levels in petrol have reduced the amount of emissions of carbon in the U.S. by 35%

5. The Plastic Bag levy in Ireland has netted the enviornment depatment 47 million euro.

I have an exam on enviornmental economics tomorrow. Hence the short post, and hence it's crappyness

Early Letter Day

2005-12-13T22:30:00.000Z

Due to technical lethargy my lighting of the christmas tree has bee npostponed. Today instead becomes letter day.

Dear Santa,

First of all may I thank you for the excellent present you have delivered over the years. In the passed you have brought such delights as a toy ambulance, a bike, and of course the obligatory candy cane. For these and all you other past kindnesses I am eternally greatful. I must though point out that when you put a lump of coal in my stocking (true story) in 2001 I did not see the funny side of it.

I do hope you don't take this letter as any lack of appreciation but I do have to raise this issue with you. I am a true campaigner for equality, I believe that Men, dogs which are man's best friend, male farm animals, male zoo animals, male wild animals, and indeed male reindeer are all equal. I am as you can see painfully politically correct. My problem with you Santa, if that is your real name, which I doubt, is taht your male reindeer are exploited.

How in this day amd age can you justify such reckless use of flying reindeer. They are after all a rare commodity, and expecting them to fly all over the world in a single night is cruel. I would like you to seriously consider other more modern technology.

Thank you

Brian Harrison

Monday

2005-12-12T21:41:00.000Z

Before my rant on study here are a few more Items available from the ::JUSTDonal:: Shop, perfect for that christmas gift.

And before that, just so you know tomorrow is a very exciting day as BASICALLY BRIAN will light his christmas tree lights. So stay tuned.

For Dad...

BASICALLY BRIAN's complete letter writing kit:- Need to write an angry letter, well with this kit, you can pretend you're BASICALLY BRIAN. Including Paper, Envelopes, Pens, and of course the all important guide to forging his signature.

For Mom...

Strictly Jonathan Sings the Blues: The voice of an angel will bring back the good old days with timeless classics. Perfect way to guide you through your chores (Dear female readers I joke! I understand fully that women and men play an equal role in society. Women certainly should be considered equals... well until the get married that is)

For Rebellious Teen Son...

So you want to be a communist- by Viva La Pablo: Our very own Commi will guide you through the wonderful world of communism. All the way from surpressing freedom of all kinds, to the dizzying heights of deliberatley implenting a famine in an attempt to kill off the 'non providers' of society killing 12 million people (see Stalin collectivisation for more info) (Again please note VLP is not a communist, he just likes the colour red, and in the end who doesn't)

For Teen Daughter....

What better gift for your young impressionable daughter than to have ::JUSTDonal:: and the crew from serenade her... alone... for a whole hour... oh my!

For the whole family...

Who is the writer? the game: basically if you know let us know cause I'm still curious.

More still to come.

So the last few days have been taken up by study and it's no fun, anyone willing to sit my enviornmental economics exam for me who has a PHD in policy intrumentation is very welcome to do so. A few things have struck me in the course of the time spent staring at the wall instead of studying.

1. Isn't it ironic that Cluroflurocarbons (CFC's look I've been studying) are one of the causes of global warming, although their primary damage was the destroying of the Ozone layer, this did in part effect global climate. This i think is ironic because CFC's are what make fridges cold, but the earth warm.

2. No matter how long you have to prepare for some thing in college you always need that time. I have had 10 days to study and still need all the time I can get. Whereas friends who have had other exams will do just as well. So you infact don't need much time at all, no matter what everything will always get done.

Bird Flu and Stuff

2005-12-09T16:05:00.000Z

In the past I have criticised VLP for stealing jokes from Conan O Brien, I stopped because nobody seemed to care. BUT in his last post he stole a joke from.... ME!!!! One relating to Seamus and Where's Wally ironcially that post where i made that joke I wasdoing a prarody of him.

Anyway on to more important matters at hand.

1) Go to jonathan's page and checkout the very fun picture on it, I'm very good at the game, just look at the comment I left.

2) Most important matter on the agenda, Lisa's hogging of the maple syrup!

I am currently in the process of writing a song for the song contest, the only problem is that I dont sing so if there are any volunteers to do it for me leave a comment.

BASICALLY BRIAN's Fish Related joke of the Week

Man with salmon under his arm goes into a chipper and says "Do you sell fish cakes" the guy behind the counter say "No I'm sorry we don't", The man with the salmon under his arm replies "That's a shame it's his birthday"

The ::JUSTDonal:: Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu.
If you experience any of thefollowing, please seek medical treatment immediately:

1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windshield.

BASICALLY BRIAN's Post of the Week

2005-12-08T17:55:00.000Z

BASICALLY BRIAN's Word of the Week

Pigovian: Theroies relating to Pigou, on matters relation to the equating of mariginal abatement costs and marginal pollution damage.

BASICALLY BRIAN's Question of the Week

If the village barber shaves everyone in the village who does not shave themself, who shaves the barber?

BASICALLY BRIAN's Drunken Words of Wisdom of the Week

"My pubes are londer than my cock!"-Strictly Jonathan

BASICALLY BRIAN's Random Fact of the Week

Canada Imports roughly 822 Russian made hockey sticks per day

Until tomorrow...

Letter Day- An Post, Eircom, and the ESB

2005-12-07T21:51:00.000Z

I'm VERY ANGRY!!! Man United got knocked out of the Champions League before even bloody Rangers!!! Anyway I know very few of you care. So on to three letters of the week, admittedly three very similar letters, but on this site it's quantity not quality as I prooved last night with my 2200 word long essay.

Dear Mr. E.S.B.

Congratulations on your fine achievments in electricity suppling over the years. With a job the your organisation has being so large sclae, you I am sure have a lot of premises, using alot of electricity. I have one very short question for you to address. Do these premises pay an electricity bill?

Dear Mr. Eircom,

Congratulations on your fine achievments in telephone connecting over the years. With a job the your organisation has being so large sclae, you I am sure have a need to make alot of phone calls. I have one very short question for you to address. Do these have to be paid for?

Dear Mr. An Post,

Congratulations on your fine achievments in postal delivery over the years. With a job the your organisation has being so large sclae I would imagine that you must send alot of letters. I have one very short question for you to address. Do these have to be paid for?

Thank you for reading, and seeing as Donal asked for more pictures, here is a picture I think is quite funny, but shares no relevance to anything.

A lazy post, which is infact my longest ever

2005-12-06T20:49:00.000Z

Have you any idea how much effort goes into coming up with a new idea everyday? And for what? sure sometimes I get told that something was funny, or asked for the odd autograph, but comedians get that all the time and all they have to do is tell a couple of jokes every day, but they're the same jokes. So I decided for once to get something back, I have in my true capatilist nature endorsed a few products. So don't be surprised if in the run up to christmas, a couple of subtle product placements are visable.

Now I was drinking a very nice Coca Cola on Dublin Bus today, when I thought to myself I would love a McDonalds, so I used my Meteor Free Texts to text Jess from my newly fixed Nokia to her new Siemens to see if she was interested in getting a Luas to meet me there. That is a true story... in fact it's made up.

So tomorrow is Budget Day, very exciting for us economists, the sad thing is I actually mean that.

Right to the actual post.

BASICALLY BRIAN's Historical Tit-Bit of the Week

“The Greatest Thing in History”

- The Decision to Drop the Atomic Bomb

On August 6th 1945 whilst aboard the Battleship Missouri, U.S. President Harry S. Truman received word that a nuclear bomb had successfully been detonated over the Japanese city of Hiroshima; he proudly declared that “This is the greatest thing in History.” It was the culmination of four year’s research, the work of approximately 530,000 people, at a cost of over two billion dollars. That bomb in two days killed 78,000 people. A subsequent attack, on August 9th, on the city of Nagasaki killed between sixty and seventy thousand. The decision to carry out the attack had been finalised on June 1st by the Truman appointed Interim Committee, and signed off by the President several days later[1].

Officially Truman championed the bomb as a means to end the war quickly, and without the full scale invasion of the home island of Kyushu, planned for November[2]. This, Truman stated, would save some five hundred thousand American lives. However the bomb was not, as Truman strongly claimed, necessary to save these American lives. The figure suggested by Truman that a full scale invasion would have resulted in the death of half a million Americans. No basis for this figure was ever given, and in the unpublished first draft version of Truman’s memoirs the figure given was three hundred thousand. Both these figures are a long way off the figure given by Truman’s Secretary of War Henry L. Stimson in 1947, when in Harper Magazine he portrayed an idea of an invasion resulting in millions of deaths. In fact Truman’s military intelligence suggested that the planned invasion was likely to result in the death of forty to fifty thousand Americans,[3] a long way short of his declared estimate.

There is scepticism also on whether a full scale invasion was ever going to be necessary. It was felt by many that the planned Russian entry into the war on Japan, agreed in the Yalta conference, coupled with the continued bombing campaign by America would be enough to force the Japanese Government to surrender[4]. Even more troubling than this is the substantial body of evidence to suggest that as early as June 1945 Japan was actively attempting to surrender. In a US Strategic Bombing Survey, released shortly after the attack, it was said that “Japan would have surrendered even if the atomic bomb had not been dropped, even if Russia had not entered the war, and even if no invasion had been planned or contemplated.”[5] A top secret military document entitled “The Use of the Atomic Bomb on Japan,” which was drafted in April 1946, for the Chief of Strategic Policy Section of the Army, by the staff of the War Department of the Army detailed this. It described how on June 20th Prime Minister Suzuki of Japan at a cabinet meeting proposed to the Emperor an early ending to the war. They requested the use of Russian facilities for negotiating this surrender, but an answer never came. The writers of this report firmly believed that Japan was actively seeking to surrender by the time the bomb was dropped.[6] On July 26th the President did offer Japan the chance to surrender in the Potsdam ultimatum. However the document made no mention of the fate of Japanese Emperor Hirohito whom to the Japanese was a holy figure; this made the terms of the proposal too dishonourable for the Japan to contemplate accepting[7]. Yet despite U.S. refusal to accept a conditional surrender surrounding the Emperor’s fate, less than a month later when a peace deal was reached the status of the emperor was maintained[8]. Alternatives to direct use of the bomb on Japan that were proposed were quickly rejected. They included a warning, contained in the ultimatum. Or as the scientists proposed in the Franck Document a demonstration on an uninhabited target[9].

Given these facts it seems fair to conclude that dropping the bomb was not only not militarily nessecary, it was equally not militarily benefical. Despite this, a decision to drop the bomb was still reached.

There are a number of reasons why it was actually dropped. The most cynical of these is that quite simply America wanted to drop the bomb on Japan. This desire was born in part out of racism, or more accurately a desire for revenge. Japan started the war with the US by a ‘sneak’ attack on the naval base of Pearl Harbour, after this anti-Japanese feeling was almost entirely universal throughout the U.S., and far any outweighed anti-German sentiment. The people wanted revenge for Pearl Harbour, and for in general the way the war had been conducted on their part. American people felt that the Japanese were the first nation to indiscriminately bomb, and that they were then not very civilised[10]. In a newspaper survey in December 1944 roughly ten percent of people wanted to literally annihilate Japan, and a further ten percent wanted to humiliate and torture the Japanese people[11]. A year later, and five months after the end of the war, almost twenty-five percent of people wanted the use of more atomic bombs on Japan[12]. In his first address to the Nation following the Hiroshima attack President Truman encapsulated the revenge attitude stating that “The Japanese began the war from the air at Peal Harbour. They have been repaid many fold.[13]” However to claim the only basis for the decision was this attitude would be trivial, and unfair in many ways to those who made it.

The diplomatic elements towards the decision are equally relevant, and less covert than that of revenge. Russo-American relations in the summer of 1945 were strained surrounding the reconstruction of post-war Europe; an important consideration to take into account is that, despite being in a military alliance Russia officially knew nothing about the Manhattan Project. That Russia is was an important factor in Truman’s mind is most aptly demonstrated by his decision to delay the Potsdam meeting by a month, a meeting that he had previously requested as soon as possible. Truman’s decision to reschedule the meeting to late July on Stimson’s advice (who also postponed parallel negotiations with U.S. Ambassador Harriman and the Russian government,[14]) meant that it would take place at around the same time of the ‘Trinity Test’ of the first Atomic Bomb.

Following the successful test of the first atomic bomb at the Alamogordo Air Base, New Mexico[15], Truman is reported by Churchill to have acted like a new man in his bargaining position with Russia. He quickly forced upon Russia a decision on the administration of Poland. Poland had been a sticking point for some time, with the San Francisco conference failing to gain agreement, and only a provisional deal done between U.S. representatives Hopkins at his meetings with Stalin. However more important to Truman than the Potsdam negotiations on the future of Europe was preventing Russian entry into the war on Japan which had been scheduled for August. It had already been agreed that Russia would be granted control of Manchurian infrastructure at Yalta[16]. However Truman hoped that the bomb would not only end the war quickly but crucially that it would end it with minimal involvement of Russia. The atomic bomb granted America as Stimson put it “a Master card” in diplomacy[17].

Prior to the Interim Committee’s decision of June 1st to use the bomb against Japan, the military had spent over two billion dollars on it’s development, and as far as many could see, the decision to use it was implicit with the decision to build it[18]. Truman, who had only become President after the death of Roosevelt in April 1945, to a large extent inherited the decision. Those who briefed him on the issue, primarily Stimson, and Secretary of State James F. Byrnes were both very much in favour of it’s use. Military plans had been based upon the assumption that atomic force would be used when available. If Truman was to decide against it’s use he would have to justify himself more so, than if used it. Although Truman did go through the motions of setting up the interim committee on the use of Atomic force, to many extents it was a mere formality. In his memoirs he states “Let there be no mistake. I regarded the bomb as a military weapon and never had any doubt that it should be used.[19]” Or as Secretary Byrnes, a member of the Interim Council, stated “The Atomic Bomb that was no great decision that was not one you had to worry about.[20]” Domestic politics also played a part in Truman’s decision, it was inevitable that a secret expenditure of two billion dollars would become noticed. It would be politically very damaging for the Democratic Party, when this discovery was made. Questions would inevitably be asked as to why such an expensive weapon had not been employed if available.

The decision to use the Atomic Bomb was, according to those who made it, was always one based on a desire to end the war quickly, decisively, and with minimum risk to American lives. The truth is however that an invasion was never likely to be necessary. At very least it is believed that Russian entry into the war would have been the final incentive to Japan to surrender. Although this was probably not even needed as for some time before the bomb, and Russian entry, Japan was actively seeking an end to the war. The only opportunity granted by America was the Potsdam ultimatum which was worded in such a way that it would have been impossible for Japan to accept, and gave no indication of the horrors which the US were preparing for Japan. The reasons behind the final decision were rooted in revenge, and diplomatic wrangling with Russia. Americans at all levels wanted nothing more in the early post-Pearl Harbour forties than to significantly avenge the ‘sneak’ attack, and the Atomic Bomb was just that. Diplomatically it was felt that by using atomic force it would allow America to impose it’s own blueprint for European redevelopment, and to a large extent stop to the spread of Russian communism, as well as preventing, or at least limiting Russian, involvement in the Pacific War. Finally it is important to note that most of the factors behind the decisions to drop the bomb were overshadowed by an overwhelming sense of momentum towards it’s use, effectively it was used because it could be, rather than because it should be.

Bibliography

Alperovitz, G., Atomic Diplomacy: From Hiroshima to Potsdam Revised Edition (Knopf, New York, 1995)

Bartlett, M.A., History as a Victim: The Sorry State of the Study of U.S. Japanese Relations 1900-1945

Challener R.D., From Isolationism to Containment 1921-1952, Three Decades of
American Foreign Policy, (Edward Arnold Ltd, London, 1970)

Clifford, J.G.; Hagan, K.J.; Patterson T.G., American Foreign Policy, 1900 to the Present 3rd Edition, (DC Heath & Co., New York, 1991)

Dower, J.W., War without Mercy, Race & Power in the Pacific War, (Random House, 1986)

Ferrell, R.H., American Diplomacy, The Twentieth Century, (W.W. Norton & Company, Indiana, 1988)

H. Feis, Between War and Peace; The Potsdam Conference, (Princeton University Press, New Jersey, 1960)

Kennan, G.F., American Diplomacy 1900-1950, (Secker&Warburg, London, 1952)

La Feber W, The American Age: American Foreign Policy at Home and Abroad,
(WW Norton, 1994)
Maynes, R.E., The Awesome Power, Harry S. Truman as Commander in Chief, (Louisiana University, 1973)

Patterson, T.G., Major Problems in American Foreign Policy, Volume II: Since 1914 Essays & Documents, DC Heath & Co, 1989)

Schulzinger, R.D. A Campanion to American Foreign Policy Relations, (Blackwell Publishing Ltd. Massachusetts, 2003)

Schulzinger, R.D., U.S. Diplomacy Since 1900, 5th Edition, (Oxford University Press, University of Colorado, 2002)

Truman, H.S. Memoir of Harry S. Truman: 1945 Year of Decisions (William S. Knecky Associates; reissue edition, 1991)
[1]Maynes, R.E., The Awesome Power, Harry S. Truman as Commander in Chief, (Louisiana University, 1973)Pg. 48
[2] Bartlett, M.A., History as a Victim: The Sorry State of the Study of U.S. Japanese Relations 1900-1945 Pg 124
[3] La Feber W, The American Age: American Foreign Policy at Home and Abroad, (WW Norton, 1994)
Pg 426
[4]Alperovitz, G., Atomic Diplomacy: From Hiroshima to Potsdam Revised Edition (Knopf, New York, 1995) Pg. 315
[5] Ibid Pg. 289
[6] Ibid Pg. 315
[7] Maynes, R.E., The Awesome Power, Harry S. Truman as Commander in Chief, (Louisiana University, 1973) Pg.55

[8] La Feber W, The American Age: American Foreign Policy at Home and Abroad, (WW Norton, 1994) Pg 426

[9] Maynes, R.E., The Awesome Power, Harry S. Truman as Commander in Chief, (Louisiana University, 1973) Pg.49
[10] J.W. Dower, War without Mercy; Race & Power in the Pacific War (Random House, 1986) Pg. 38
[11] Ibid. Pg 53
[12] Ibid. Pg 54
[13] R.D. Challenger, From Isolationism to Containment, 1921-1952; Three Decades of American Foreign Policy from Harding to Truman, (Edward Arnold Ltd., London, 1970) Pg. 153
[14] H. Feis, Between War and Peace; The Potsdam Conference, (Princeton University Press, New Jersey, 1960) Pg. 80
[15] Ibid Pg 165
[16] Alperovitz, G., Atomic Diplomacy: From Hiroshima to Potsdam Revised Edition (Knopf, New York, 1995) Pg. 140
[17] H. Feis, Between War and Peace; The Potsdam Conference, (Princeton University Press, New Jersey, 1960) Pg. 80
[18] Ferrell, R.H., American Diplomacy, The Twentieth Century, (W.W. Norton & Company, Indiana, 1988) Pg 230
[19] Truman Pg 462
[20] Alperovitz, G., Atomic Diplomacy: From Hiroshima to Potsdam Revised Edition (Knopf, New York, 1995) Pg. 52

Back after annual leave

2005-12-05T11:37:00.000Z

Well for the first time in five months i missed a post on Friday, so I'm sure you were very up set about that, but don't worry I'm back now.

Now on Saturday night myself and Viva La Pablo, with Caitriona by my side, had a debate over politics. Him being a raging commy or is it spelt commi piece of scum, and myself and Caitriona being supposrter of the mighty Fianna Fail (you just wait and see what the next Rabitte, Kenny, Sergeant govt will be like, wont be able to agree on dinner, and then you'll want a change) Any way here is what I would do if I ruled the country.

If I ruled the country... I would change Friday to Briday

If I ruled the country...I would raise the age of retirement to 67 to help reduce the pension problem which will affect the ecomony to a disastorous amount otherwise.

If I ruled the country... I would put my face on the money

If I ruled the country... I would set up urban homeless day centres where homeless people could store possesions, perhaps eat, have a shower, wash their clothes, have access to a doctor some of the time, and gain if they wanted, some social interaction.

If I ruled the country... I would make this site mandatory primary/secondary school reading.

If I ruled the country... I would introduce a bill to annually evaluate the monetary aspects of current legilation(eg court fines, and miminum wage), by introducing a multiplier formula based on the change inCPI.

If I ruled the country... ORANGES would be banned!!!!

If I ruled the country... I would tackle the Childcare problem, not by introducing grants to parents to pay for child care, but by icreasing childrens allowaces, and by creating subsidies for stay at home parents and tax breaks, if you want some one else to look after your child use you childrens allowance, if you want to do it, i'll help you.

If I ruled the country... The National Anthem would be changed to American Idiot by Green Day, not becuase I'm anti American, I'm not, just because it was the most fitting Green DAy song.

If I ruled the country... I would use my diplomatic influence to attempt to open negotiations between the commi scum of China and his Holiness the Dalai Lama of Tibet, about restoring some degree of autonomy, and allowing the Dalai Lama go home.

If I ruled the country... I would declare war on the Vatican, because nobody would ever expect it.

If I ruled the country... who knows what else I would do, but you'll find out some day soon when I next tell you.

BASICALLY BRIAN's Post of the Week

2005-12-01T16:22:00.000Z

BASICALLY BRIAN's Word of the Week

Paradigm- not a particularly hard one, but never the less I like it, it means: One that serves as a pattern or model.

BASICALLY BRIAN's Drunken Words of Wisdom of a couple of Weeks ago that I forgot to put in.

Me: Ok Eoin we must do something soon.

Eoin: YEAH! Deffinitely!! Can I come too?

BASICALLY BRIAN's Historical Tit-Bit of the Week

During the Vietnam war the American army used 468,ooo tonnes of Napalm
BASICALLY BRIAN's Question of the Week

If you make a cow laugh, will milk come out its nose?

BASICALLY BRIAN's Random Fact of the Week

The Venus flytrap takes less than half a second to slam shut on an insect.

Letter Day- QE2

2005-11-30T21:11:00.000Z

Well before we get to the bit you have all been waiting for my letter to Queen Elizabeth, a tragic story. Those of you who know me well, will my record with regards to mobile phones is, emm, not what you might call great. I have had 5 phones, three have died due to the condition known as URLD Uneconomic repair due to liquid damage. The first was a nokia 3110 resting on a cup of coffee that got a call, vibrated, an fell in. The second was a Nokia something something, that met its end in the washing machine. This morning after my nokia 3220 alarm went off, I reset it, and placed in on top of where my radio usually would be, instead there was a glass of water, The phone is dead. Along with and this is the bit that is so horribly tragic, all the photos of my finger!!!!!!

Dear Elizabeth,

How are you? I am a second year history student in Ireland, and would like to ask you a question. You are, as I understand, the ruling monarch of the United Kingdom of Great Brittan and Northern Ireland, is this correct?

Now allow me to refresh your memory, the United Kingdom persay was established in 1801 by the Act of Union. This Act united the parliaments of Ireland, Scotland and Wales in Westminster, hence the name the 'United Kingdom.' You may have noticed that during Tony Blair's government's time in power devlovled government was granted to both Wales and Scotland, and also at times Northern Ireland, (as you are no doubt aware the southern area of Ireland is now independant,) has it's own power sharing executive. Now this seems to me to be a clear indication that the Act of Union 1801 is no longer on the books. So I was thinking you should really change the name of the country.

Here are some ideas: Great Britain & Northern Ireland; Elizabethland; Brianland; Greendayland. All of these would be excellent, but as for the use of the term the United Kingdom (especially considering you're a queen) is completely null and void. Best of luck with the rest of your reign.

Yours Sincerly

Brian Harrison

The Launch, the postmortem

2005-11-29T13:34:00.000Z

The launch of ::JUSTDonal:: version 3.2 was billed as the greatest event in the history of information technology. It was to be the culmination of tens if not hundreds of man hours, and the entire team had poured it's heart and soul into what would be our crowning achievement in internet columning. The tension, and excitement was running high as the four columnists ran through the final steps of the process, with percission and expertese like a NASA launch, as we reached the one minute mark and the process unfolded, Donal warned all of us in that MSN chat window, that there may be some teething problems, what transpired however went beyond that ::JUSTDonal::'s teething problems became full on dental surgeory to remove all four wisdom teeth and take severeal days off work, when nothing, and I really mean nothing, worked!

The diagnosis to the problem, TOO many hits, trying to download TOO many images, from the image hosting server geocities. The cure play the waiting game, and between you and me the waiting game sucks.

At the gala charity premier fans and celebrities were left bemused by the lack of images. Here is what just some of the had to say.

Michael Jackson "[in a girly voice] It is the most shameful, and embarrasing thing I have ever
witnessed"

Irish Film Censor John Kelleher "I should give it an 18 cert for wasting my time"

Hugh Grant said "I'm in down town L.A. and I'm at this piece of crap, I could be off getting a young[censored due to a court injunction]

Mr T said "I pity the fool, who messed up the pictures"

George W. Bush "We must continue to fight terrorism in all it's forms, home and abroad" (which frankly wasn't in any way relating to the question he was asked but what can you do)

Dermott Skehan (Donal's Father) "I always said he'd never amount to anything, he's a failure, and that's there all there is to it."

Govenor of California Arnold Swarg ahem hmm well we all know who i mean and just becuase i cant spell means nothing "Ist wast ze vurst vebsit eva, it reminded me of wen i waz a yung kinderlink and ve had ze [shouts] DIST ICHEN SPRECKIN NUCKEN DOCKEN BORK

Bill Gates "I'm far too rich to care"

And what did the columnists say? (and these are real)

Paul: I have to go do colledge work, good luck.

BASICALLY BRIAN: Yes my lovely jessica i am aware that the pictures don't work, thanks ever so much for brining it to my attention, now would you jolly wel let me fix it (or words to that effect)

Jonathan: Oh god I don't know what to do

::JUSTDonal:: BRIAN you've failed me!

BUT everyhting seems to be working well now, and I really think Donal did a great job on the graphics, and the problems last night couldn't be helped. Go to the messaeg board or leave a comment to tell Donal how well he did!

Tomorrow... LETTER OF THE WEEK RETURNS- The Queen Elizabeth II version

Back in Business

2005-11-28T21:00:00.000Z

I'm BACK!

Well welcome back, and may I say it is good to be back. However I must say straight away that this is not just an image change and I would like to spend a few moments detailing the changes.

But before that, a dedication. Last Friday saw the death of one the greatest sportsmen the island of Ireland has ever produced. George Best was quite simply a geniuos, to every Manchester United fan he was a legend, and the epitome of their greatness in the 60's and early 70's, he is what every current player in the world stirves to be, and so for that reason thios post is dedicated to him.

GEORGE BEST 1946-2005

In this world there are some highly sought after jobs, footballer, brain surgeon, fishmonger, and historian to name a few. Previously I have educated you on what it takes to become the either of the last two on this list, today I will tell you all there is to know about an even more sought after job in a piece I've called.

INTERNET COLUMNIST

First thing first, if you are realy serious about being an internet columnist there are some you will need to follow

INTERNET COLUMNIST

Do... Spend time contemplating what to say

Don't... Spend all your time on logo's and ending up with no time to do anything

Do... Eat a healthy and balanced diet

Don't... Eat a car (and really that advice is applicable to anyone)

Do... Post every single day

Don't... become the writer and only post twice

Do... Always portray people in a fair and balanced light

Don't... Liable that paedophile Michael Jackson, or he a man who has had cosmetic surgeory on numerous occaisions, before becoming a kidnapper, might sue you.

Do... Spell Check your work

Don't... Bother it to over it read

Do... Spend time with your friends promoting your website

Don't... Spend time with your friends friends promoting your website as you will look foolish

and finally...

Do... Use your site to get a message accross (Stay in school Kids)

Don't... Use your site for poor rhyming schemes that make no sense (Ray spin cool vids)

But what you really need are...

Internet Columnist

1. Never claim anyone's work as your own, as that is just wrong. I mean sure I could if i wanted steal jokes from Conan O'Brien, Dylan Moran, and so on but why would I do that?

2. Always carry a notebook in your back pocket to write down great ideas, then you can look back and laugh at the terrible ones, which for me include, writing an entire episode of the simpsons, and pieing my friend Caitriona again. Actually that last one isn't bad.

4. Never miss a number when you are doing a bullet point style list

5. NEVER, and I mean NEVER! Run an internet vote of anykind! It will end in disaster.

::JUSTDonal:: Fortunes

2005-11-18T20:54:00.000Z

As part of a corporate team building thing we had a fortune teller in today and here is what she said.

::JUSTDonal:: After leaving a certain boyband to concentrate on his solo career (ie this website) Donie will fall in love with rock music and be dropped from his solo label (ie Blogspot) when decides to become a goth. Following this he will make a career scaring small children as the boogie man. In 2027 he dissapear never to be seen again but will still post daily on his new site www.gothspot.com

Strictly Jonathan: Will take over from a certain Donal in a certain boyband only with the sudo name Donal II he will be infinetly more successful than the first. He will marry long term love Elaine in 2010 and will wear odd socks at his wedding, at the consumpation celebration (which will be televised on a new show MTV most Newly Weds) Elaine will be so angry about the sock oversight that she will dump him on the spot.

Viva La Pablo: Will achieve his goal of creating a communist Ireland, only to realise that nobody is happy and everyone it's poor. He will then turn his attention to bringing back to life Tupac Shakur who after returning from his mysterious dissapearance dies of a heart attack when he sees just howmany double backs paul can do in a minute.

BASICALLY BRIAN: After a distinguished career in the diplomatic core he will become president, which leads in nicely to monday's post if I ruled the country, see you then.

BASICALLY BRIAN's Post of The Week

2005-11-17T20:10:00.000Z

BASICALLY BRIAN'S Word of the Week

Slubber: To smear or dirty something

BASICALLY BRIAN's Question of the Week

If you put a Camillion (I think that's how you spell it) into a room full of mirrors what colour will it turn?

BASICALLY BRIAN's Comeback of the Week

Woman to Boy on Train: Take your feet off the seat!

Boy on Train: Why?

Woman: Because they're dirty!

Boy on Train: [looks at the manner in which she is seated] But they're not as dirt as your ass!

BASICALLY BRIAN's Random Fact of the Week

The population of Dundalk is 27,635

BASICALLY BRIAN's Historical Tit Bit of the Week

In the 1950's the book Robin Hood was banned in all U.S. Public Libraries, because Robin steals from the rich and gives to the poor it was seen as possible communist propaganda.

BASICALLY BRIAN's News Story of the Week

Today's Herald AM reported on a new reality t.v. show that is out of this world (this pun was my own work) 9 contestants will undergo training in Russia and become britains first ever space tourists. Or at least thats what they think, in fact they will still be in England and put in a simulator for the launch!

Answer to BASICALLY BRIAN's Question Last Week

Q: If you try to fail and suceed what have you done.

A: You have suceeded in failing- Baron Von Ravishing

Letter Day- Snow Plows

2005-11-16T12:34:00.000Z

Long term fans of BASICALLY BRIAN will be aware that I have long struggled to understand how the man who drives the snowplow gets to work into morning (given that the roads need plowing). So as winter approaches I have decided enough is enough I am going to find out.

This week's letter is addressed to Mark Servi, who is the comissoner of the Washburn County Highway department in Wisconsin, and one of his job's includes snow plowing

Dear Mr. Servi,

The following letter may sound a little odd but let me assure you it is born out a genuine curiosity about Snow Plowing.

I am from Dublin, Ireland, and here we don't have much snow, in fact I haven't built a snow man in about 6 years. It stands to reason then that we don't have any snow plows.

What I have always wondered about snow plows is, well actually it's more to do with the drivers, how do they get to work in the morning? I imagine if the snow plow driver needs to go to work it's because it snowed, and the roads need plowing. So how does he get to the plow. Now one suggestion often put to me is that he lives with his plow. I would imagine that this is likely in commercial companies which is why I am asking you. I believe that part of your job description includes overseeing the plowing of interstates. I assume this is done by using either state owned, or county owned plows. I then assume that these government plows are stored in some government facilities, and I doubt that there is a fireman like set up where they are constantly on call.

This question has literally kept me awake at nights, and any assistance you could give me would be great. And while we are talking, where exactly is Wisconsin I have no idea, I'm assuming it's north because you get snow but am I right?

Thank you for your time.

Yours Sincerly

Brian Harrison

http://www.co.washburn.wi.us/departments/highway/

And the news this week

2005-11-15T22:22:00.000Z

Our Top story this week, a furious board meeting ending in Basically Brian storming out. The debate centred around ::JUSTDonal::'s motion to have ::JUSTDonal:: Towers renamed Brian Kennedy Towers. Basically Brian argued that although Kennedy, aged at somewhere between 30 and 50 who is a homosexual, is indeed representing Ireland in the eurovision he is quite clearly only the third best Brian in the country, behind himslef, and Brian Lennihen junior minister for Children and member of the Finna Fail party.

Viva La Pablo has teamed up with Kellogs to bring you a limited edition Viva La Pablo cereal caled Pabl- O's. Vlp is said to be delighted after it was confirmed that the cereal would be made of the finest Soviet Grain.

Strictly Jonathan crashed his car yesterday.

BASICALLY BRIAN Lied about that last thing.

(I really want a trumpet by the way does anyone want to give me one)

And finally,

This day next week BASICALLY BRIAN will Reveal who the writter was!!!!

10 reasons why I don't want to post today

2005-11-14T22:32:00.000Z

1. I'm very tired cause I stayed up too late last night and woke up early cause I felt like my head would explode.

2. I feel like my head will explode.

3. I can't help but worry about bird flu.

4. Nobody will read it anyway.

5. I had a bad study day where i should have got lots done and am as a result cranky

6. IM CRANKY

7. Because I want to watch Conan now instead.

8. Money just dissapears doesn't it

9. because I can't even think of a number 9

10. Because the irony of my posting a list on why I don;t want to post will be lost on you mere mortals

2005-11-11T12:26:00.000Z

Well today I broke some sort of speed reading world record. In only one hour, I managed to read a whopping 3 pages, I really mean that.

Here are a list of websites addresses that might be of interest to you. Not the sites now but the actual address, in a piece called...

Funny but yet genuine and unfortunate web addresses

) Who Represents?, a database for agencies to the rich and famous: http://www.whorepresents.com

2) Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views: http://www.expertsexchange.com

3) Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island:
http://www.penisland.net

4) Need a therapist?
http://www.therapistfinder.com

5) Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: http://www.molestationnursery.com

6) Gas central heating anyone?
http://www.gasheating.co.uk

7) New to Milan and you need electric light? Why not sign up on-line with Power-Gen? http://www.powergenitalia.com/

2005-11-10T21:05:00.000Z

BASICALLY BRIAN's Word of the Week

Axiopisty- The quality that makes something believable

BASICALLY BRIAN's Question of the Week

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

BASICALLY BRIAN's News Story of the Week

Scientists have shown how warms also hove foods that can make them feel sick just because of there own personal tastes, thus proving that individual human hatred of anything, like i don't know oranges, is normal

BASICALLY BRIAN's Random Fact of the Week

A light year is equal to 9, 500, 000, 000 (nine and half million million) Kilometres

BASICALLY BRIAN's Historical Tit Bit of the Week

In the late 70's U.S. President Jimmy Carter was holding a meeting with the President of the People Republic of China (spit spit). It was the meeting which ended many years of strife between the two nations. While visiting the great wall on the way up the steps Carter started running and turned and said to the president "Last one to the top has to fight the Russians." I don't know who won.

and the return of.....

BASICALLY BRIAN's Question of the Week Answered of the Week

Q: How does the non stick teflon stick to anything

A:Teflon is not frictionless by laws of micro structures no substance in the worldis frictionless as even 1 atom rubbing off another will cause dissipation ofheat.(Unless involved in a chemical bond)Fluids Even give off a type offriction called viscosity.Anyway Teflon is not "stuck" onto the base of thepan. I suspect its made of a metal alloy with a higher melting point and isthen pasted on(Or perhaps pressed on in a preformed shape by machinery to giveit a nice finish) Then cooled by artificial means so it forms its crystallinestructure.The bonds that hold the Teflon on occur because in layman's terms"Its melted together." - Eoghan Collins "Super Nerd"

Well done Eoghan you win a prize!

2005-11-09T21:26:00.000Z

Well a lot can happen in four years. One thing that can't be forgotten in four years is Caitriona scoring Doug "stick that pepsi bottle up your ass" switzer. And so Caitriona 4th happy anniversary of scoring Doug at the romantic setting of burger king coolock.

Here is an artits impression of how it may have looked.

Now several months ago I sent our asteemed leader Bertie Ahern a letter requesting the banning of Oranges see http://basicallybrian.blogspot.com/2005/08/im-back_11.html. A few weeks later I got a reply from his personal secretary Fidelma Rodgers stating that an taoseach would get back to me in due time see http://basicallybrian.blogspot.com/2005/08/replies-and-randomness.html. He never did, so this has left me with no choice. I'm telling, so today's letter is to his boss.

Dear President Mc Aleese,

First of all may I say that you do an excellent job at what ever it is the President of Irelnad does. Apart from the time you came to my school and met all the foriegn kids but not me I was jst a lowly prefect, and I was thinking at the time why is she being greeted by the foriegn kids your're not even their president, but I seriously digress from the issue at hand.

You will find enclosed a letter I sent Bertie on August 11th, now I understand as president you probably are far too busy to care about such things but he never wrote back. I fear that his personal secretary Fidelma Rodgers may have deemed the issue trivial or some such thing. Well I'm sorry but the banning of oranges in this country is not trivial. Why just today I was on the 46A and a woman started eating the and orange [I almost said bus there but not to worry.]

Anyway as my understanding of the Irish constitution goes (and it's a cracking read, have you read it?) you are Bertie's boss. So if at all possible could you please get him to reply asap. Or ban oranges your self.

Thank You

Brian Harrison

BASICALLY BRIAN: Stardate 8112005

2005-11-08T20:38:00.000Z

Well it's November now, and many of you will be beginning to think about Christmas shopping. I can happily confirm that from December 1st you will be able to purchase ::JUSTDonal:: merchandise off of the site.

Here is a sneak preview of what's coming up?

Tickle-me-Pablo: This life like doll of our marvellous Viva La Pablo will resite political rhetorick about morals every time you tickle him.

The Writers Writing set: Buy now and recieve a special pen used by the write, with invisible ink, he uses it we assume cause he must write but where is it.

The Election: The DVD: Relive the passion and scandal that was the ::JUSTDonal:: Election. With never before seen footage including The Eoin camps daily campaign meetings, Carly speaks for the first time, and an interview from an irrate granny in florida who voted for Eoin.

The ::JUSTDonal:: Dance mat- Dance away the boredom with this Dance mat which comes in 14 different colours. Take on your friends family or coworkers in a Christmas Dance off, or dare you challenge the computerised ::JUSTDonal::

Jonagothci: From the makers of Tamagothchi's take control of your very own Strictly Jonathan, play with him, feed him, educate him, but most importantly make sure he looks good. Keep Jonathan alive and you may make the guinness book.

The Nics Biography on tape: My Life as a JD fan: Charts the turbulent life of ::JUSTDonal::'s Biggest Fan, read by her with a cute Belfast Twang. (Which I'm assuming she has)

Last but not least

BASICALLY THE BEST
A Coffee table book by BASICALLY BRIAN

Contains some of his most memorable posts, as well as behind the scenes interviews with his staff, copies of letters and letter replies and much much more. A limited number of copies are available signed. The foreward is by cheif editor Brian Harrison. The book also contains some brand new material and post previews for 2006. Finally This book has even been spell checked.

All available right here from December 1st

Tell me why I don't like Monday's

2005-11-07T22:24:00.000Z

Nobody likes Monday, I don't like Monday and I don't even have college on a Monday. But what do we really know about it?

It's the second day of the week and gets it's name from Mona the germanic moon god

Well now we do know something.

continuing in the successful series of BASICALLY BRIAN Phone Dialouges I bring you the

BASICALLY BRIAN's Angry Phone Dialouge of the Week

Just to fill you in on the background the man in question who's name I have changed so as not to prejeduce any possible legal proceedings owes me Euro52.50 and has done for quite some time. Further more has failed to call back after 3 seperate phone messages left in October.

BB: Hello is this Mystery Deadbeat

MD: Yes it is

BB: This is Brian Harrison

MD: Hi Brian how are you?

BB: Well I'm ok but for the fact I haven't been paid for the job I did for you 13 weeks ago

MD: Yes could you give me your bank details again

BB: Again, yes I could give them to you AGAIN

MD: Ah Brian don't get like that

BB: Well I'm sorry it's just that it has been 13 weeks.

MD: Look Brian just give me details and you'll get paid this week

BB: My details are****** [and as i read out the last letter of my ppsn he hung up]

A few people requested shoutouts on the website. So here goes.

Eoin- Very good party, nicely done

Eoghan Collins- Big shout out as you bought me a pint and answered my question of the week (see my response thursday)

Rosin- I thourogly enjoyed falling assleep in eoins porch

Matters Arising

2005-11-04T23:53:00.000Z

If you read my last post you may have dissapointed by the quality of it, so here we go at 7 mintutes to midnight. What I'm gonna do here is resolve a few little things that have arisen with various people over the past few days and then tell some jokes.

But first: To Jessica Happy anniversary love you lots- Brian

Well there it is you work for years to build up some sort of respect and then in an instant it's gone

MATTERS ARISING

It has been brought to my attention that last weeks question of the week "Where do dead bird go. I have never seen more than one on a single street?" Is a drect quote from last weeks 'The Panel'. Let me assure you that I have never watched the Panel in my entire life. And in fact I derived that never seeing more than one bird on the one street thing myself, and have been constantly annoying Jess without since July.

A man by the name of Sean owes me EUR52.50, he says he says he never paid me because I didn't give him my bank details. Not only is this bollox, it's double bollox becuase I gave them to him twice. And to Aoife Roberts I say watch that fella, last time I saw him he was trying to steal thirty cents out of your wallet.

Eoin is always saying I never mention him in my website, and seeing as I'm going to a party in his 'crib' as Ali would call it, Hello Eoin.

And finally upon watchingthe Texas Chainsaw Massacare I expressed some scepticism at a man still fighting against the guy 5 minutes or so after having his leg sawn off. According to those there it was perfectly feasible as it would take much longer to die, I sat in silence thinking if only Suzanne were here. I would have completely forgotten if I had not watched 999 that next monring and a guy severed his femoral (leg) artery and they said when that goes you have 40 seconds to a minute to live.

JOKES

What goes clip clop bang clip clop bang?
An Hamish Driveby

A man in a wheelchair walks into a bar....
(nb for the right to tell that joke I donated money to the Irish Wheelchair foundation)

What's the difference between illegal and against the law
One is something not permitted by legislation, the other is a sick bird

What do you call a three legged donkey
a wonkey

hello

2005-11-04T20:15:00.000Z

well this is the best post I've ever done. Oh hello martha Stewart. I better go have coffee with her, i'll tel you what happened on sunday I guess. That other post wil just have to wait. But for the record this post does count as one.

Basically Brian's Post of the Week

2005-11-03T12:27:00.000Z

BASICALLY BRIAN's Drunken Words of Wisdom of the Week

[while talking about her tail]
"It feels like a poo when it's stuck in my bum"-Suzanne CArter

BASICALLY BRIAN's Word of the Week

Kine= One Mouse, two mice; One Cow, two... Kine.

BASICALLY BRIAN's Question of the Week*

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

BASICALLY BRIAN's Historical Tit-Bit of the Week

Did you know that Robert Barton3rd Signatory to the Anglo-Irish Treaty had been a gaurd in Kilmanhim Goal at the time of the executions.- Compliments of History Guru Ronan Walsh

BASICALLY BRIAN's Random Fact of the Week

There are an average of 178 sesame seeds on a McDonald's Big Mac bun.

Letter Day From a very Cranky Basically Brian

2005-11-02T21:47:00.000Z

Remember Bosco, I'm sure you do, providing of course your Irish. Well today's letter is addressed to RTE. And was originally about bosco, I couldn't make it funny cause I'm cranky but I have an idea.

Dear Sir,

I have been watching much news coverage over the last few weeks, on your network and many others relating to the topic of the bird flu virus. Now I understand that on your presenting staff at the moment you have a turkey by the name of Dustin. Frankly sir this whole business terrifies me.

I have been a fan of Dustin for many years, and would like to take the oppurtunity to wish him luck in his up coming album. Let us hope he is alive to see it's release. What I am really writing to ask you is what measures have been taken to prevent Dustin the Turkey from contracting the H5N1 virus. He is an asset to national broadcasting and it would be such a shame given his survial of some many Christmases that he would die of something like the flu.

I had been pondering this for some time, and was prompted to write after seeing the big 'D' as I like to call him on the Den. His face was gaunt and drained, he infact looked a little like a puppet, which of course is ridiculous. I just hope that you have monitored his health closely, have vacinated him against the flu, and will give him any time off he needs so as not to over exert himself.

Yours Sincerly

Brian Harrison

We've got your back Dustin

No particular title

2005-11-01T21:54:00.001Z

Well I'm back after the long weekend, which was a great one for me. Those of you who know me whill know I love dressing up so I love Hallowe'en. Here are my costumes...

Now Originally Sunday nights was going to be what I wore Monday but I thought I had a better chance of winning the competetion in the stream with my other Sunday night one.

Sunday I was a Joseph Stalin.

Thats a Really bad photo of me, but I was on the phone at the time and so wasn't standing to attention.

Monday I was Billie Joe Armstrong (Green Day)

Down from the dyed hair to the belt buckled to the side, from the eye make to the sexy on stage presence I think it was a very good outfit. But as I only got to show a select few and even then only becuase i had gone to the trouble of dying my hair, Iwill wear it next year.

Now I give you a very ebarrasing phone converstaion I had yesterday while attempting contanct friend Frank CRONIN. In a piece I'm calling

Embarrasing Phone Dialouge

Brian: Hi is that Frank?

Frank: Yeah it is, who's this?

Brian: Brian

Frank: Brian....Harrison?

Brian: Yeah What's up?

Frank: I'm just tricker treating at the moment. Eh You?

Brian: Well I can't find any friends, what are you doing tonight

Frank: You can't find any friends? Well do you want to come down and tricker treat on my?

Brian: Sure I'd love to

Frank: Well you'd better hurry up.

Brian: No but what are you doing tonight? Do you wanna go out?

Frank: No not really Brian, but look if you want guitar lessons I have a slot and was thinking about ya so give me a call during the week.

[at this point I thought, Frank Cronin doesn't play the guitar, and certainly doesn't teach it. On the other hand Frank Kearns was my guitar teacher for years}

Brian: Your Frank Kearns aren't you

Frank: Yes

Brian: Your the wrong Frank completely

Frank I'm very hurt to hear that

Brian: I just sound like a drunken fool don't I? [and I did, but wasn't]

Frank: Yeah you do

Brian: Well I swear I'm completely sober just dialed the wrong Frank

Frank: Sure Brian. Well I better go I'm to my neck here Bye.

No particular titlt

2005-11-01T21:54:00.000Z

Celebrity Coffee Morning- George W. Bush

2005-10-28T10:56:00.000+01:00

Despite what you make think of his politics I was still quite pleased when Georgey Boy, as I like to Call him, arrived at my door with a bag of scones, and looking for a cup of coffee.

Well hello there U.S. President George W. Bush.

How ya doin there Brianey Winey, huh huh huh.

Yes Sir that's very good you made a ryhme. Take a seat here by the window of my office on floor 22 of ::JUSTDonal:: Towers our 37 Story office block in downtown Howth.

This cookie is very nice, what's it called.

Emm that's a coaster

Lovely, can I have some more.

So what have you been doing lately Mr. President

Well Dick has been teaching me all about Hide and Seek and that we have to play. The problem is that we counted for too long and now Usama could be anywhere, so I have to find a new play mate so I don't get bored.

Myself and the President sit down with our coffee and begin to chat.

You are now in year 5 of 8, have you given any thought to what you might do when you leave the whitehouse?

Well then it will be my turn to hide cause when my secrets come out the shit will really hit the fan.

So how do you feel about the inditement of Paul Roves your chief advisor on charges relating to the release of classified information.

That information is classified, and so unless at some time in the future it aids my political life I won't release it.

Oh Dear George I just noticed that cut on your Face how on earth did you get that.

It was the strangest thing when I got off the plane I saw the guard who greated me looking very shifty toward me, I don't think he was a real guard, so I headbutted him. I have a picture of me going in for the butt, does he look like a real guard to you?

Well I thought that maybe you did over react but that looked to me very much like Sutton Park History teacher Ronan Walsh. And I happen to know for a fact that he isn't a guard at all.

Exactly, so as you can see I evaded him by leaning in and giving him a quick butt. No on to more important matters I want one of those coaster thingys they were tasty.

Well before you go, I know that you enjoy blowing things up, what's your next target going to be? North Korean or Iran?

Oh If I were you I'd look a little bit closer to home.

Good Bye